


Vulnerable Mind

by Athelassa



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: AU after 2x19, Action/Adventure, Drama, Gen, GrantWardDeservedBetter, Hurt/Comfort, If not more so, Like the rest of them, No REAL SHIELD, Pretty please, Redemption, So they need to give him a second chance, The team needs to see that Ward is only human, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-03-28 21:39:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3870688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athelassa/pseuds/Athelassa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“Look,” Coulson said with a frown, “I’m the director, I make the decisions. This is a mission that suits Ward’s qualities perfectly.”</em><br/><em>Oh yes, right. There was primarily one quality that predestined him for this mission.</em><br/><em>“I get it, Coulson,” Ward threw in with a smirk of false bravado. “I’m expendable.”</em> </p>
<p>After working together with his former team in the Arctic, Ward finds himself helping out S.H.I.E.L.D. on a regular basis. When he signs up to infiltrate another Hydra base and things go as wrong as they can get, he is forced to lay open what he fears most: the past and his own weakness. Only Coulson’s team is able to help him and they have yet to decide if they want to save a branded traitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to AstridV, who triggered the spark of an idea that eventually grew into this fic with a comment about Ward’s vulnerability in one of my previous stories.
> 
> This will be a multi-chaptered story, but probably not too long. If you’ve read my previous stories, you know that I’ll never stick to my chapter schedule, so I won’t even try and predict how long this baby is going to get. Just let yourselves be surprised! :)

It was not too long before Coulson asked Ward for help again.

And again.

And then some more.

They eased into a bit of a routine. A hairy mission came up and soon enough, Ward’s phone was ringing. He always answered and he never turned them down. It was only for short missions, a day or two at most. He came in, received the intel he needed, got the job done with whomever he was paired up with and disappeared again. He had made it a habit to slip away as soon as everything was finished, never going back with them for debrief. Why should he? No one would thank him and the team only talked to him when it was mission related. Other than that, they ignored him. It was clear that he was not one step closer to get them to trust him again or even accept his apology.

At least these short missions allowed him to keep tabs on Kara. It continued to be painful to leave her again. She always begged him to stay, teary-eyed, and he could tell she did not completely understand why he left her behind. But there was no denying that her time in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s care was agreeing well with her and she had made huge progress in finding out more about herself and who she used to be. He saw that he had made the right decision – at least this once – and that S.H.I.E.L.D. was treating her well.

So when Ward was called in for yet another mission, he did not hesitate and sought out Coulson and his team in the Playground.

“This is not just a lab,” Coulson explained to the team, plus Hunter and Morse, “this is a fortress. We have reason to believe that this is where Hydra started a new brainwashing experiment. There isn’t much we know about it, we were able to gather only bits and pieces about this place and their new method.”

Ward listened quietly where he leaned against the wall of the briefing room, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Hearing about Hydra and brainwashing immediately let him think of Kara and he could not help but ball his hands into fists. At least this mission would be rewarding for him, too. Time to get some revenge. He would enjoy this one, a lot.

“We can’t just sweep in with a big team,” Coulson continued, frowning a bit to himself. “They have air raid defenses and the whole place is secured with some kind of electric fence. But it’s not just your run-of-the-mill electric fence used for making sure your cattle doesn’t run off. It’s a 20’000 volt fence, paired with some other lovely features, like it being invisible. We are sure it can’t be turned off from the outside. We need someone inside to do that. Or, if this shouldn’t be possible, to at least destroy the lab.”

Coulson paused and complete silence filled the room. No one looked at Ward, as if they did not know exactly that he was going to be the one to save the day. Again. Skye looked down at her own hands as if they held the answer to their problem, Fitzsimmons were gazing at each other, May was watching Coulson and the others just stared into space. Ward felt tempted to break the silence with a snort. Sometimes he really wondered why he even bothered to play a part in this bizarre charade.

“Well, well,” Ward finally drawled when Coulson made no move to continue. “I wonder who will be going into the lion’s den.”

The director frowned some more, sending him an annoyed glare – for which he had no right, by the way – before he answered, “You’ll be going in, Ward. It’s why I called you.”

“And here I thought you invited me for taco night,” Ward replied sarcastically.

“Who’ll be going with him?” May asked with narrowed eyes. Great, they still did that thing of talking about him as if he was not in the same room.

“This time,” Coulson answered slowly and with a small sigh, “he’s going in alone.”

This was new. Until now, they had made sure to chaperone him on each and every mission.

“You can’t, Coulson!” Skye protested sharply. “He’ll sell us out as soon as we have our backs turned. Hell, he’ll bring beer to celebrate with his Hydra buddies!”

Ward could not suppress rolling his eyes. How many times...? Okay, he had definitely tried often enough to explain his loose affiliation with Hydra, he would not waste his breath this time. And why the hell would he even answer Coulson’s calls, if he wanted nothing more than to join Hydra again? This made no sense at all.

“We don’t have any choice, Skye,” Coulson explained, sounding pained. “The lab is heavily protected and we can’t send more than one man in. The risk of detection is simply too high.”

The director started to project different photos and maps of the place and the longer Ward looked at them, the more he realized that this mission would be different. It was a long time since he had last been nervous about a mission, but now he could feel his palms getting sweaty.

“We have this one time window when guards are changed,” Coulson continued. “There is only one possible way to sneak in, if we...”

“Don’t you dare, Coulson!” a new voice interrupted angrily. All heads whipped towards the door and Ward saw that Kara was standing in the doorway, fuming. She must have listened in for quite a while. “It’s a suicide mission and you know it!”

She turned her big brown eyes on Ward and they immediately turned softer. “Don’t do it, Grant.”

It felt nice. Having at least someone in the room who actually looked at him and even spoke to him with something else than disdain. He might get used to that.

“Agent Palamas,” Coulson cut in rather sternly. But it was a fatherly sternness, Ward had to admit to himself. “You have neither right nor clearance to be in here. Get back to your room and stay there.”

“If you send Grant in this fortress,” she replied forcefully, refusing to obey the direct order, “you’ll send him to his death. This is wrong!”

Ward felt a smile steal on his lips. Yep, Kara was definitely getting better. There had been a time when she would have begged for orders, now she had no trouble in outright disobeying them _and_ talk back at Coulson. He could swear she got more headstrong with every day that passed. He was so proud of her.

The director stared at her, but when it became clear that Kara would not back down, he explained reluctantly, “There’s a risk, yes, but there always is with these kinds of missions. It can’t be avoided.”

“Then why don’t send in May?” Kara demanded with raised eyebrows.

Ward did not miss the small wince that flitted across Coulson’s face. It told him everything he needed to know. This _definitely_ was a suicide mission.

“Look,” Coulson said with a frown, “it’s not up for discussion. I’m the director, I make the decisions. This is a mission that suits Ward’s qualities perfectly.”

Oh yes, right. There was primarily _one_ quality that predestined him for this mission.

“I get it, Coulson,” Ward threw in with a smirk of false bravado. “I’m expendable.”

The director pressed his lips into a thin line and shot him a quick look, before he averted his eyes. He did not even try to contradict him, which smarted a bit, to be honest. The rest of the team still refused to look at him, but he was good enough a spy to detect that their mood had changed. It was not a spiteful silence and blanking anymore. They kept their heads down in shame. After all, they knew very well that they needed him.

“Great,” Ward drawled when the silence stretched. “I’m in. When do we start?”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The first part of the mission went off without a hitch.

Ward timed his break-in into the Hydra lab perfectly. He first attached a device to the camera, which fed it an endless loop, then waited for the fence to be deactivated for a few seconds when the guards were changed. As soon as they appeared, he took them out swiftly, passing the deactivated fence just a second before it activated again. The strong humming that could be heard when standing right beside it told him that he would have been fried, had he been slightly slower. He took a deep breath, before he carefully crept down a dark hallway.

“I’m in,” he whispered into the comms, shooting a glance behind him to make sure he was alone. “Any ideas where the power generator of the fence is? This place is huge.”

“We don’t have any blueprints of the building,” Morse’s voice answered him steadily in his ear. “But Fitz and Skye managed to screen the building with the help of a power spectrograph. It seems like they have a massive power source in the southwest corner.”

“Thanks for the specifics,” Ward replied sarcastically, before he shut off the comms. The southwest corner had the size of a small European country, it might take hours to find the right room. And this was definitely a time-sensitive mission. He was rather sure he could take out only so many Hydra agents before he was detected. Yes, he was good, but this place looked like it could accommodate hundreds of people. Even he could not take on that many agents.

He followed the hallway and hid himself every time a group of Hydra agents passed him. Once he had to slip into a closet so as not to be detected, only to find that the closet was already occupied. He took out the other agent before he could sound alarm, before he moved onwards.

Finding the right room in the southwest corner was a bitch. It definitely looked like he was on the right track when he encountered more and more agents on the hallway. At least he had a little gadget with him that Fitz had built and indicated the rough outline of the room with some kind of x-ray. This meant that he did not need to open every door and risk to suddenly stand in the command center of the base. That would be awkward. However, for the gadget to work properly, it needed to be held steadily against the wall for at least five seconds. With this part of the base being rather crowded, he risked detection at any moment.

After another two or three close calls, he had finally found the right room. The four guards that were posted inside crumpled at his feet within thirty seconds and, luckily, without sounding alarm. He hid their bodies in the back of the room before he went to take a look at the massive power generator in the room. It was at least 30 feet high and was encased in a steel mantle. He tapped his ear to activate the comms.

“I found it,” he told them. “Sending you pictures and a screening of the generator.”

“Copy that,” Morse answered.

A minute passed and then two while no one spoke, and Ward felt himself grow impatient. He could hear rows of booted feet pass by just outside the generator room and it was only a matter of time before someone came barging in.

“Look, I know you’re not exactly enthusiastic about saving my ass,” he spoke into the comms, all the while keeping his eyes on the door, “but if you want to leave me hanging, I would advise to do that _after_ I have shut down this damn generator.”

“You can’t shut it down,” Fitz’ voice commented suddenly in his ear. Even miles away, Ward could hear that the engineer sounded strained at having to talk to him. “It’ll take hours until you have dismantled it. You need to blow it up.”

Ward grimaced, then muttered “Great”, before he shut off the comms again. That was exactly what he had hoped to avoid. If he had been able to somehow shut it off in another way, he would have had S.H.I.E.L.D. backup on the way out. This way, however, he was on his own once more. He needed to set off the explosives while still in reasonable proximity to the bomb, because the electric fence would most probably mess with the signal. This meant that the explosion would warn the whole base and he was going to have a few hundred Hydra agents on his ass while making his exit. Damn it.

However, there was no time for second thoughts. He immediately set to work and built the bomb from the equipment he had brought in his backpack. At least he had enough experience with explosives and he had come prepared. The bomb was finished in under five minutes and he attached it to the generator at its back, even going as far as to remove a small piece of the steel mantle, to hide it from prying eyes. He put his tools back in his bag and checked if the remote ignition in his watch would work to detonate the bomb, then was out of the door in no time. Now he just needed to get out of here.

He realized that another group of Hydra agents was coming up behind him and he turned into another hallway. Voices could be heard ahead of him and when he tried the door to one of the rooms, it was locked. Cursing under his breath he just kept walking, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. At least he was dressed in black tac gear like the Hydra agents and the base was big, so maybe he would not even attract attention. He passed the group of men that approached him and, luckily enough, most of the agents looked to the ground anyway. That was good, they felt safe, which meant they kept their guard down...

“Grant Ward?” a voice suddenly spoke up and Ward tensed internally, even though he let nothing show as he turned around, his face schooled into a mask of nonchalance. He was too far away from the exit to try and make a run for it, so he decided in a split second to play along.

The leader of the group, a tall, middle-aged man with bright red hair and a face that looked faintly familiar, had halted and gave Ward an expectant smile.

“What are you doing here?” the other asked and finally, Ward remembered that he had met him some years ago, back when S.H.I.E.L.D. had still been standing. John had introduced him as another fellow sleeper agent and they had worked together on a short mission.

“George Bates,” Ward replied, remembering the name. “I could ask you the same. I thought you went down when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell.”

The red-haired man gave him a smirk, then shook his head.

“I’m tougher than that,” he replied. “Sorry to disappoint. What about you? Last thing I heard was that Garrett got killed and you got acquainted with S.H.I.E.L.D.’s dungeons.”

“You know how it is,” Ward said with a thin smile. “It gets boring after a while. I decided it’s more fun when you see the sun every once in a while.”

Bates chuckled at that and gave him a smirk.

“Yeah, I guess I know what you mean,” he said. “But how long have you been here? If I had known you had joined our ship, I would’ve invited you for a drink. To reminisce about the good ol’ times.”

“I only arrived a few days ago,” Ward replied. “Before that, I did some solo ops out there.”

“Once a specialist, always a specialist, eh?” Bates asked with a wink. “Walker hired you?”

When Ward had scraped together the scarce information they had about this Hydra base, the name of Jeremy Walker had popped up quite a few times. For all they knew, he was the one in charge.

“Yeah,” Ward answered. “Made me an offer I couldn’t resist.”

Bates’ right eye narrowed slightly and the silence that followed set off all kinds of alarm bells in Ward’s head. Shit, he had walked right into a trap. Should he fight or try to maintain the cover? The odds were bad, it was fifteen highly trained agents, armed to the teeth, against one. He was definitely going to lose this fight.

“Funny,” Bates drawled, cocking his head to the side while watching Ward intently. “Since Walker had a terrible accident ten days ago. Ran into a knife in the middle of the night. I took his place.”

Ward felt his stomach drop. This was bad, very bad. No way he would be able maintain his cover in this situation. Without hesitation, he kicked Bates in the stomach, then tried to make a run for it. Tried, since he was tackled a split second later. It was an unfair fight. He got rid of two Hydra agents in the first ten seconds, snapping the neck of one and burying his knife in the throat of another. But as soon as those were down, he was faced with five other. There was not even time to draw his side arm. Or set off the bomb with the small button on his watch. Blows and kicks rained down on him, but he still managed to fell three more agents before he realized that they were not using lethal force. They were trying to catch him alive. The thought made him struggle all the harder.

Just as he dropped another agent at his feet, he felt something being slapped to his thigh and not a moment later pain and numbness spread from a small device attached to his leg. Paralysis followed quickly and he frantically ripped off the device, together with fabric from his pants and skin. Though the paralysis stopped, the moment of distraction cost him dearly. A blow caught him at the back of his head and made him crumble to his knees. Trying to blink away the stars in his vision, he had enough time to realize that he had failed miserably before another blow to his temple sent him to meet the ground.

Ward must have blacked out for a few seconds because the next thing he knew was that at least three men were sitting on his back, keeping him on the ground and binding his hands tightly. Blood trickled from his temple into his eyes, making his already blurry vision even blurrier. His head was pounding in time with the rapid beating of his heart and he felt every single blow he had received in the struggle.

Still, all he could think of was that he had failed the mission and the team. If he had at least managed to set off the bomb... Like this, all efforts had been in vain and no one would come for him. Even if Coulson wanted to rescue him, it would be practically impossible now. Hydra would soon realize where he had slipped in and would reinforce security measures. It would only be a matter of time before someone found the bomb attached to the power generator. Which meant that he was completely on his own. Hell, the team would probably think he had switched sides again if he did not show up after some time. Some small part of him hoped they would find his mutilated body eventually, only so they would see that he had not betrayed them again.

“Search him thoroughly,” Bates commanded sharply. “And be careful. As long as he breathes, he’s dangerous.”

Rough hands patted him down, removing his weapons, the earpiece and even his vest. Ward kept completely still, trying to get his head to stop spinning and hoping... hoping...

“His watch, too,” Bates suddenly ordered.

Damn it! Ward managed to lift his head a bit to glare at the Hydra leader. Bates smirked in reply.

“My dear Grant,” he drawled, crouching down next to Ward. “John spoke so highly of you. I can’t help but feel disappointed. I have to say that you, son, have a bit of a problem to decide what side you’re on.”

Ward kept his mouth shut and just glared at the other man.

“Running back to S.H.I.E.L.D. as soon as Johnny dearest is dead,” Bates continued. “I guess they weren’t too happy to see you either. You don’t belong there, son. Why go back and play the hero for people who don’t give a shit if you live or die? You were meant to be on our side from the start. And know what? We’ll help destiny along.”

The red-haired man patted Ward’s cheek a little, and Ward instantly pulled away as far as he could.

“Over my dead body!” he spat.

“Let’s not go that far,” Bates replied, getting up. “You know, we have this new method. I haven’t told you the best thing yet. We have a bit of a family business here. My wife is an accomplished doctor and scientist. And just last night she mourned that she didn’t have anyone valuable enough to try out her new and very expensive method of brainwashing. Someone must have listened, you’re a godsend.”

Ward felt a shiver run down his spine. This sounded really bad.

“Get him on his feet!” Bates barked.

Ward was pulled up roughly, the motion making his head spin some more. He was all too familiar with the nausea that accompanied every small movement and that told him he had suffered a concussion. He tried taking a deep breath, which only helped a little. If he had been in better shape he might have felt flattered by his escort of eight men. He was shackled on arms and legs and he felt at least three guns pressing in his bruised rips. On top of it all, a dark bag was put over his head, making the nausea and the headache worse.

He was led down some hallways, taking turns every now and then that he tried to memorize. They finally stopped and Ward could smell disinfectant even through the bag over his head. It seemed like they had reached the lab.

“I brought you a gift, honey,” he could hear Bates say. “A valuable test object, like you wanted.”

“Is he young and healthy?” a female voice asked suspiciously.

“Only the best for you,” Bates replied smoothly. “A bit roughed up, but he wouldn’t be all that valuable if he hadn’t put up a fight, right?”

“Hmm,” was the only response he received, then the woman ordered in a sharp voice, “Keep him still.”

Hands grabbed Ward and just a moment later he felt a prick on his arm. The bag was pulled off his head and he came face to face with a tiny, middle-aged woman with blonde hair and glasses. She had a stern, mousy face and was watching him critically.

“He’s handsome,” the woman commented with a frown, before she looked back at Bates. “I think you did well.”

The red-haired man chuckled and shook his head, before he replied, “I didn’t choose him because of his pretty face. Don’t get any ideas, woman.”

Ward watched them with growing apprehension until he suddenly found his limbs growing heavy. He blinked tiredly and shook his head to clear his vision. His breathing sounded labored and heavy in his ears. Not good. They had definitely injected him with something.

“Do you think he’s docile enough now?” the woman asked with her head cocked to the side and Bates replied, “This should do.”

He nodded for the guards to take off the shackles. By the time they were finished, Ward had a hard time keeping himself on his feet, let alone thinking about escaping. Two agents were more supporting than leading him to a narrow bed/gurney in the middle of the lab. As soon as Ward saw the many straps for arms and legs, he balked and tried to rip his arms away from the men holding him. But his moves were so sluggish by now that all he managed was to trip over his own feet, which earned him a chuckle from Bates.

“Don’t make a fuss now, son,” the red-haired man drawled while the two agents pressed Ward down on the bed. Everything was swimming in front of Ward’s eyes and it actually felt good to lie down because he suddenly felt _so_ tired. He knew he should struggle more, but he saw no point in it anymore when he could just rest for a bit instead. Straps were tightened around his ankles and wrists, snapping Ward a bit back into awareness. Now he had definitely lost his opportunity to fight.

“You think you’ll be fine, Maggie?” he heard Bates ask as if from a long distance. “He’s dangerous, so I’d advise to keep him drugged and under constant supervision. You can never be too careful with his kind.”

“I will,” the woman replied. “Thank you, darling.”

Ward was rather relieved that his mind said goodbye after that.

 

_-tbc-_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for everyone supporting this fic! 
> 
> Well, since last episode pretty much crushed the plot of this story, we’re now definitely going AU with this fic. Doesn’t matter, we won’t let ourselves get side-tracked with something as insignificant as cannon, right? :-)

“Any word?” Coulson asked as he walked into their mobile control room in the new Bus (or Bus.2 as Skye called it) where his team was staring silently at several screens.

“Not since you last asked five minutes ago, sir,” Bobbi replied evenly without taking her eyes off the screen in front of her.

Coulson did not miss the crease of worry on her forehead or the way Skye was fiddling with her fingernails under the table. Or Fitz tapping the pen rhythmically against the table. Though no one was as evident in their worry as Kara, who was openly pacing.

“We need to do something,” she exclaimed suddenly and came to a halt in front of Coulson, who slowly started to think it had been a bad idea to let her come onto this mission. “Grant wouldn’t just leave us hanging in the middle of a mission. Something bad happened, I know it.”

“Bad?” Skye asked quietly. “Sure. It’s just the question for whom it went or will go badly. For Ward or for us.”

Skye was the first to openly voice what some members of the team had only thought so far. They had mostly kept quiet in respect for Kara’s feelings, but there was no doubt that not the whole team was worrying about the same thing. If Coulson had to guess, he would say that she was the only one solely worried about Ward’s well-being since the communication had broken off 45 minutes ago.

“Don’t you dare say he turned his back on us!” Kara replied to Skye’s insinuation with blazing eyes. Kara was usually very mild-mannered, the only topic that could spark her fire was Grant Ward.

“It wouldn’t be the first time, Kara!” Skye shot back heatedly. “You don’t really know him!”

“Funny,” the other woman commented in a voice that was suddenly calmer and dripping with sarcasm, “I was going to say exactly the same thing.”

“Enough!” Coulson ordered forcefully, looking sternly at both women. Kara’s sarcastic side was quite new and he guessed that the person she used to be before undergoing the brainwashing had liked a good sass every once in a while. However, it did not help the charged mood they presently found themselves in.

“There are two possible explanations for us losing communication forty-five minutes ago,” Coulson tried to summarize their predicament. “Something happened to Ward or he betrayed us.” He ignored Kara bristling at that and continued, “We need to think about what we’re going to do for both cases, since it doesn’t seem like communication is going to magically come back again.”

“We need to rescue him,” Kara replied immediately, voice cracking slightly. “Simple as that. He’s your agent, sir, you’re responsible for this mission.”

Coulson frowned a bit at that, then said quietly, “Asset. Not agent anymore.”

Kara threw her hands up in exasperation, but before she could answer, it was Simmons, who spoke calmly, “If he turned on us, sending in a team to rescue him might be exactly what he wants. He’ll take us out one after the other. Or maybe he tries to lure us in to get brainwashed. I think that actually makes a lot of sense.”

“You can’t really...” Kara replied with a snarl, but Coulson cut her off.

“Quiet, Agent Palamas,” he ordered sharply and swept a hand over his face. They obviously would not come to an agreement based on speculation, but he still wanted to know what his team was thinking, so he said, “Okay, let’s try this the democratic way: Who thinks that Ward was captured and might need rescuing?”

Kara’s hand shot up immediately, no surprise there, and then, after some hesitation, Bobbi and Hunter lifted their hands as well.

“Look,” Hunter explained himself quietly when he was assaulted with some dark looks, “I know you hate the guy. But he was steady in his last missions and though I’m rather sure he’s misplaced some of his marbles along the way, I don’t think he’s plotted something sinister to kill us all. If there’s a way to get him out of there, we got to try, because it would be a pity to lose someone as good as him. He’s got some qualities that are very hard to replace.”

Bobbi just nodded in agreement and lowered her eyes back down to the screen.

“Who thinks Ward betrayed us?” Coulson then asked and added with a frown, “Again, I mean.”

Like one man, Simmons, Skye and May raised their hands. No one spoke, since they had voiced their opinions already, but their dark looks told all there was to know. So that meant three against three. Coulson let his gaze drift over to Fitz, who sat quietly in his chair and stared into nothingness, arms crossed over his chest.

“Fitz?” Coulson prompted gently.

“I... I don’t know,” the engineer answered with a stutter. “I don’t work like that. I’m a scientist, I need to have proof, not belief. We can’t just decide to play god and try to guess what’s going on in Ward’s head. Not in people’s heads generally, but especially not in Ward’s, so...”

He suddenly cut himself off and then started slapping his palm against his forehead repeatedly.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid...” he muttered to himself, then sprang up, hurried over to sit beside Bobbi at one of the computers and started typing away madly.

“Fitz?” Coulson tried hesitantly. “Would you mind filling us in about what’s going on in _your_ head?”

“It’s... here, yes... just...” the engineer muttered more to himself than everyone else, completely engrossed in his task. “Just... one second...”

They waited for a minute or two, trying to be patient while listening to Fitz murmur to himself every once in a while, before he suddenly raised his arms over his head and declared victoriously, “Ha! I thought so!”

“What, Fitz?” Simmons urged with obvious impatience in her voice. “What?”

“Ward didn’t betray us,” Fitz declared finally, then turned the screen of the computer around for everybody to see. There was the rough outlining of the Hydra base on it and, very small in the bottom left corner, there was a small sign blinking rhythmically.

“The bomb is there and still primed,” he explained. “I don’t know how I could forget... Well, I do know _how_ , but still... What I want to say is that I built in a small device in the detonator that lets us track the location and the state of the bomb in the power generator. Ward built the bomb like he was asked to do and it’s set to go off. He didn’t know I built in that device, which means it makes no sense that he planted the bomb, only to betray us after that. Something must have happened to him on the way out.”

Coulson nodded at that, frowning a bit to himself. If he had been forced to vote, he would have opted for the scenario of Ward being captured, too, instead of him turning against the team. The ex-agent had behaved himself well in the last few missions and Coulson started to believe that he was truly sorry about his role in the past. But then again, this was Grant Ward they were talking about. Which meant that Coulson was about 60% sure Ward had not betrayed them again against a 40% possibility of Ward already ruling the rest of Hydra. Well, it _was_ hard to get to trust a traitor again.

“Sir,” Simmons chimed in, looking at Coulson earnestly. “Even if Ward has been captured, what I still think is unlikely, it’s too dangerous to try and get him out. He knew the risk going in and he knew that he would be on his own if something happened to him.”

May nodded at that, but something else suddenly caught Coulson’s eye. It was the expression on Skye’s face. Just moments ago, she had looked angry and bitter, now she just looked lost and confused, still staring at her hands.

“Are you sure about Ward being captured, Fitz?” she asked hesitantly, voice all soft.

Fitz nodded. “95% sure. You know, it’s Ward. I’ll never be one hundred percent sure about anything where he’s concerned.”

Skye sighed, then looked at Coulson out of big eyes. “If he was captured on this high-risk mission while helping us out, we need to do something about it, Coulson. We can’t leave him there to die.”

“Skye...” May cut in, but Skye did not let her speak.

“No, I mean it. We got to get him out of there.”

Coulson watched Kara shoot her a grateful smile. He looked at every member of his team and he realized that there was suddenly a clear majority opting for helping Ward. It felt good to see this majority being formed without Coulson just dictating where to go and it felt good to realize that they were still a team, after everything they had gone through.

“I had hoped you would say that, Skye,” he said slowly. “We’ll get Ward back. It won’t be a walk in the park, but we’ll get it done. We need to get inside the electric fence to set off the bomb with the spare detonator. Luckily, Ward did most of the work already, so we don’t have to walk all the way to the power generator, just stepping a foot behind the fence should be enough. Skye, your powers might come in handy...”

He started to explain the plan and saw everyone finally nodding in agreement. Even May and Simmons.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A slap to his face woke Ward from the dark pit of unconsciousness. The sting on his cheek made him open his heavy eyelids and peer up at the blurry outlines of a woman in a white lab coat looming over him. Memories came rushing back immediately: His infiltration of the Hydra base, being captured (therefore failing the team) and serving as a guinea pig for the new brainwashing program of Bates’ wife. Simply wonderful, just the scenario he loved to wake up to.

“Are you awake?” the woman – Ward recalled hearing Bates call her “Maggie” – asked him in a voice that was both stern and shrill. “We don’t have all day and I need you awake for the next few steps.”

Ward inconspicuously tested the straps on his arms and legs. He immediately noticed that he was not tied down by just one strap on each limb, but rather he counted restraints on his wrists and upper arms, on his ankles and around his thighs, one just above his hip and one over his shoulders. Which meant he had about as much freedom of movement as a turkey on Thanksgiving. And as if this was not bad enough already, he counted three guards in the room. Damn it. Hydra really seemed against taking any chances where it came down to him. If he ever made it out of here, he would definitely take an evening off to feel proud about the security measures Hydra thought were necessary to keep him in check. This definitely counted as a compliment.

“Yeah, I’m awake. Wouldn’t wanna delay the course of science,” Ward replied mockingly, noticing with some alarm the way his words were slurring together. Whatever Maggie the Mad Scientist had injected him with was still in his system.

Another slap landed on his cheek and Maggie ordered with narrowed eyes, “Don’t be cheeky”, before she asked, “How old are you? And how much do you weigh?”

Ward scoffed at that, then replied, “Has no one ever told you that it’s impolite to ask that? Imagine me asking _you_ after your age and weight.”

He saw the woman bristle, then she nodded with her head to one of the guards and not a moment later, a fist found its way into Ward’s unprotected side. The pain made him want to curl up reflexively, but all he managed to do was jerk against the restraints that immediately bit into his skin. He bit back any sound that threatened to leave his lips.

Why was he even doing this? He was following S.H.I.E.L.D. handbook chapter thirteen, which was about how to gain time when being captured. But what was the point? No one would come for him anyway, so he might as well get it over with instead of dragging out the inevitable.

“You can make this difficult,” Maggie told him coldly, taking some notes on a clipboard, “or we can take the easy way. It won’t make any difference, because you’ll comply anyway at the end of the day. That is, if you don’t die. But let’s not assume the worst just yet, after all I was able to adjust the formula. You’re lucky you’re not the first to test the serum. I had to put down my first few test subjects because they went completely mad. And we can’t have that, can we?”

Ward noticed the complete coldness in her voice and in her mousy face. It was the moment he realized that there were people that were worse than he was. He knew he was not a good man, but at least he had not reached the bottom of evilness yet. There was still a difference between him and people like this woman. Which would be kind of reassuring, if he had not found himself in her clutches.

“You know, I was threatened with brainwashing before,” he told her in a casual voice, thinking of Whitehall, “and I haven’t changed my opinion since then: I’d like to see you try.”

For the first time, the mask of sternness on Maggie’s face broke and a thin smile crept onto her lips. “I had hoped you would say that. I’ve read all about former experiments in ‘brainwashing’, as you call it, but even though those methods sometimes work, the former approaches aren’t very practical. Mostly because they just take too long. We don’t have weeks or even months to spare before we see first results. So I thought about ways to speed things up a bit.”

The scientist paused and walked over to a small table with three vials on it, each of them containing a milky liquid. She picked up one of the vials, and then continued, “I was a psychiatrist, before I joined Hydra. I know a thing or two about the human mind. There are some things you can do to make the mind more susceptible to influences and – you might have guessed it – to brainwashing. It’s actually quite easy. With the right serum, it only takes 12 hours to tear apart the human mind and leave it wide open for any outward stimulants. The brain will practically beg to receive any kind of stability, for example found in orders. No more struggling against the actual brainwashing process. All we need to do is trigger a psychotic break and the brainwashing can be done in less than two days.”

Though it was hard, Ward managed to keep his outward reaction and his breathing steady. On the inside however, he felt himself freezing over. His heart started pumping wildly and it took all of his will to not struggle against his restraints. For the first time in ages, he was afraid. The thought of people messing with his head and the prospect of having to fight against S.H.I.E.L.D. against his will made him _fucking_ scared.

“Ah,” Maggie said, again smiling thinly and looking at a screen that was positioned beside Ward’s head. “Not so brave now, are you? Your heart rate is rather elevated.”

“Fuck you!” Ward snarled at her. He gave in to his body’s impulse and struggled against his restraints once. They did not budge, not even a tiny little bit. However, he received another fist in his stomach for his struggling and his words.

“Not two days from now, you’ll be much more polite,” the scientist informed him coldly and then came closer with the vial. “We’ll start test phase one now. You’ll receive the serum in two doses and if all goes well, we can start the actual brainwashing, test phase two, by tonight. Depends on how well you adapt to the stress and the effect of the mind-altering serum.”

She nodded with her head at one of the guards and a moment later, the bed Ward was lying on was elevated into a slightly more vertical position.

“Unfortunately,” Maggie continued as she sat down on a chair beside his bed, “injecting the serum didn’t work too well. Or it worked _too_ well, depends on where you stand. Anyway, the serum acted too fast and too strong. It left my test subjects stark raving mad and eventually a crying mess. Not what I intended. So I decided to alter it into a serum that is to be taken in orally. Like a potion. I liked that notion, it’s rather nostalgic, isn’t it? This way the serum will work more gradually and gives the mind time to adjust.” She paused, then added to the guards, “Hold him still.”

A hand grabbed his jaw and forced his mouth open. Ward saw the vial coming closer and tried to turn his head away, but the hand clamped around his jaw was like an iron fist. Some of the liquid trickled into his mouth and he tasted its bitterness on his tongue. He wanted to spit it out, but another hand covered his mouth and nose. He could not draw any breath like this. Still, he refused to swallow and instead he jerked his head to the side a bit. The hand was still over his mouth, but now he was able to open his jaw and bite the palm pressed over his mouth. The guard pulled his hand back with a shout and as soon as he was free, Ward spit out the serum.

“Goddamnit!” Maggie screamed, furious. “I told you to hold him still! Have you any idea how long it takes to make this serum?”

Another blow hit Ward in the ribs and then another one. He heard a faint crack and then the pain intensified in his side. At the same time, his jaw was forced open once more and another half of the vial was poured into his mouth. Again, they cut off his breath, but this time, his jaw was held close with bruising force. Still, Ward held his breath, refusing to swallow the evil concoction. If only he had some little more space to move his limbs or his head... But it was to no avail. He could not move. And they would only let him breathe after he had swallowed. Maybe, if he just refused to obey, they would suffocate him to death. That would be much better than to be brainwashed.

Lack of oxygen made his chest burn, but he was determined not to give in. Let them kill him – at least that would be better than being their mindless soldier. He had to think of Kara and how horrible it must have been for her. Remembered her screaming in the middle of the night... No, he would not...

A sudden blow to his already broken ribs shattered his plan. The pain made him swallow reflexively, only to gasp for breath the next second. There was a small moment of panic when he could not suck in any breath, but the next second, the hand was pulled away from his mouth and nose. Sweet oxygen flowed into his lungs and made him splutter and cough. Part of the serum had moved down the wrong way and lying down almost horizontally did not help at all with getting it out of his airways.

“As I said,” Maggie commented while watching him intently, “easy or hard way, it’s your choice. Now we only need to wait.”

She got up and disappeared from his line of vision while Ward still struggled to get his breath back under control. The serum left behind a trail of fire – like hard liquor – where it had made its way down to his stomach. The bitterness stayed in his mouth and he wondered if it would be enough to somehow make himself gag. It did not work, and even if he had somehow managed to force the serum back up again, he was being watched. They would just make him swallow the liquid again.

Ward felt completely helpless. There was nothing else to do but wait for the serum to kick in. The minutes dragged on and he constantly monitored himself for any symptoms or other indications that the potion worked. So far, he only felt drowsy – probably still from the sedative – and his ribs and head hurt. Nothing else. Maybe he was immune to the serum.

After some more time had passed, Maggie sat down again beside Ward’s bed, clipboard and pen ready.

“How do you feel?” she asked, eyeing him curiously. “Since you wouldn’t tell me your age and weight, I had to guess the dosage. It was rather high and you should soon start to show symptoms.”

Ward turned his head away and refused to answer. There was no point in it anymore.

“Very well,” the scientist told him in a clipped voice. “You’ll start talking soon enough.”

The door opened and he saw Bates coming in. The Hydra leader greeted his wife with a kiss, before he crossed his arms and smirked down at Ward.

“You look comfortable,” Bates taunted. “I heard you gave my wife some grief. It won’t take too long for you to stop being a little S.H.I.E.L.D. shit and join ranks with us again. Looking forward to that, son?”

Ward felt his breath catch and his heart started to beat madly. Son. He had called him ‘son’. Why...? How...? When he looked back up again, he suddenly saw John smirking down at him. No, no, no. Ward pressed his eyes shut, but the picture was burned into the inside of his eyelids.

“What? Don’t like to see me?” John mocked and Ward opened his eyes again to stare at him. It was his former mentor, no doubt about that. Right down to the challenging glimmer in his eyes that had always seemed to say, ‘Give your best, son, or leave it be’. Sometimes the challenging glimmer changed into a proud glimmer, which had been motor enough for Ward to work his ass off. And sometimes there had been disappointment in John’s eyes. That had been worse than the blows he had occasionally received. To disappoint John. Oh, and how he had disappointed him...

“Hey!” John called, then slapped Ward’s cheek lightly. Ward jerked back. He actually _felt_ his hand on him! “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, son. You doing okay?”

No, not at all, he was far from okay. John was dead. Blown to pieces. He could not be here. Which meant he was hallucinating...

It took his entire power of will to come to the realization that the serum was working. However, knowing that did not make John disappear. Ward still saw him standing there, smirking down at him.

“Finally,” he heard Maggie comment as if from far away. “I was starting to wonder if I miscalculated the proportion of the different components.”

Ward still stared at John and now that he knew that it was the drugs in his system, he could see that things did not add up. The stance was wrong and the way John tilted his head was not at all like him... and suddenly, with a lot of concentration, he saw Bates standing in front of him again. The spell was broken.

Ward gave a shaky smile, and said hoarsely, “It’s not working. I’m feeling a bit high, thanks for that, and my feet are tingling. But other than that? Nope.”

Maggie bristled, but before she could answer, Bates cut her off.

“He’s bating you, honey,” he calmed her. “Don’t react, just let him stew a while longer. Garrett once told me that this one was a bit unhinged right from the start, when he found him. Weak and miserable and crazy. Maybe, in some strange way, that makes him more resilient. You’ll see your results eventually.”

Maggie nodded and they disappeared from Ward’s view again. And Ward suddenly found himself struggling for composure. Garrett had talked about him, to Bates. Had told the other man about his weaknesses. That he had never been good enough. If Ward had known from the start... He felt his breathing grow shaky and uneven. His heart was pounding madly, every beat resounding in his head. Why couldn’t he get enough air? Was he panicking? He suddenly had this vision of his father, hitting him with a leather belt. Could practically hear the sound of it hitting flesh in his mind. He gasped and pressed his eyes shut.

Stop. This had to stop. Everything was just in his mind. He balled his hands into fists and sank his nails into the flesh of his palm. It helped a bit to center himself. Pain had always helped him. Good, deep breaths. He opened his eyes and used every ounce of discipline he had to focus on his breathing. Ten seconds to inhale, ten seconds to exhale. Nice and slow.

He felt himself growing calmer, even though his heartrate refused to settle down. He could deal with this. There was one thing they did not know about him. He had wrestled with his demons his whole life. He had a lot of practice in getting his emotions back under control.

Question just was: How long could he hold on? And was there even a point in resisting?

 

-tbc-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad? 
> 
> I had some troubles with the last part, Ward’s hallucinations. I have no experience whatsoever with mental illnesses, neither from a personal, nor from a professional point of view. So this means I’m writing about things I don’t actually know. Let me know if I’m being unrealistic here!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I was able to vent my anger about the latest developments on the show in my other story (see “Monsters and Hypocrites”), we’ll move along with this story as if nothing has happened in the last few days (finale? What finale?). Come and join me in this universe, where – surprise, surprise – Ward is still human and not a sloppily cutout cardboard villain. Happy reading!

After initially affecting Ward only hesitantly, the serum soon started to wreak havoc on his body and mind.

His heart hammered in his chest with a rate that was maybe normal for the middle of a fight for life and death, and his body played along nicely with that scenario, drenching him in a cold sweat and releasing adrenalin in ounces. It made him restless and jittery, and from time to time he had a hard time to get a grip on the onslaughts of panic he felt crashing over him in waves. He _never_ panicked, which made this so hard to deal with. On top of it all, his stomach was in knots and painful cramps wracked him from time to time.

The physical effects of the serum did not make it any easier to fight against the visions and flashbacks that haunted his mind. And god, he had enough bad memories to make sure he never got a wink of sleep in his entire life again. He had developed some really effective compartmentalization skills since meeting Garrett, but the thing was that the serum messed with this hard-earned ability as well. The stupid memories did not want to stay in their boxes, damn it! Here the puzzled look on the face of a fourteen-year-old just after Ward had wounded him fatally with a bullet to his chest, there the shocked faces of the family members of a politician he had just strangulated. The wails of pain of a team member just having his leg blown off, and above all of that, returning in a periodic cycle, the scene at the well.

Ward bit his lips and sank his fingernails into his palms, only to feel something else than these painful memories. His breathing was ragged and he kept his jaw shut with nothing else but sheer will. He would not give them the satisfaction to make any sound. He was still lucid enough to comprehend where he was and what was happening to him, even though it was sometimes hard to wrestle through the hallucinations and fight himself back to reality. And the longer he was experiencing the symptoms, the harder it got to hold on to his sanity.

He had lost all sense of time – he could not tell if minutes, hours or days had passed. All he knew was that he was completely exhausted and that he was close to giving up. John had been right, he was weak. Had been weak all his life. Why had John even bothered with him? Maybe it would have been more merciful to leave him rotting in juvie. At least that way he would not have done all the horrible things Garrett and S.H.I.E.L.D. had made him do. This serum felt awfully like his personal purgatory. He probably deserved every second of it.

The door opened and Ward whipped his head around to watch Bates and his wife coming in. His mind still wanted him to believe it was John, making him conjure up the face of his former mentor, but he knew by now that it was all in his head. Still, his heart accelerated some more, which was almost impossible with the way his pulse was racing already. Sweat ran down his face and into his eyes. God, this was probably what a heart attack felt like.

“Oh, son,” Bates drawled, looking at the monitor beside Ward’s head, “you should relax a little. Don’t let yourself get worked up like this. Take a deep breath.”

Ward tried to glare at him. He was rather sure it came across more miserable than intimidating. It did not help at all that he expected a punch to his face at any moment and a look of disappointment to appear in John’s eyes. No... not John. Bates. Damn it! Ward shook his head a little.

“I’d be quite curious to know what personal hell you’re experiencing right now,” Bates continued. "Looking at you, it can’t be very pleasant. Still, I’m rather surprised you haven’t started rambling yet. But don’t worry, it’ll start soon. At the latest after the second dose.” He paused for a moment, before he added, “Which is why we need to have a talk now, as long as you’re still making any sense. So let’s get started. Why are you here? What is S.H.I.E.L.D.’s plan?”

All of a sudden, Ward could not help the smile that broke out on his face. Maybe it was a result of the serum and his slipping sanity, but he could not help expressing the relief he felt. Hydra did not know. Which meant they had not found the bomb yet. Which meant that Coulson’s team still had a chance to execute their plan. Finally some good news!

“You think that’s funny?” Bates asked, his voice dangerously low. “Enjoy that smile because it’ll be your last.”

The Hydra leader reached over and rested his hand casually on Ward’s left side, right on his broken rib. Even the slightest touch woke the dull pain there and brought it roaring back to life. Ward gritted his teeth.

“Tell me, _Grant_ ,” Bates questioned again, “why are you here?”

Ward refused to answer and turned his head away. He knew what was coming. _‘You got your story straight?’_

“Alright,” the Hydra leader just said and started to apply pressure on the broken rib. The pain intensified, making it hard to breathe. Ward pressed his eyes shut, but he could not prevent the hiss of pain that escaped his lips. God, it hurt! The pressure let up slightly, before Bates’ fist suddenly came down again and Ward heard the audible snap of a second rib being broken. This time he could not hold back a loud gasp of pain. The agony spread from his side all over his torso and into his limbs. Ward could feel that his hands were suddenly shaking.

“Don’t be stupid!” Bates’ wife suddenly hissed at Ward, cutting the haze of pain. “Just tell my husband what you know!”

In the blink of an eye, she transformed into his mother, who screeched at him, _‘You stupid fat little boy, you broke my vase!’_ He desperately wanted to tell her it had been Christian, but he knew she would not believe him. Father would just punish him again for lying. With his leather belt.

“No, please, don’t,” he whispered, then all of a sudden realized where he was and clenched his mouth shut again. He could not give them the satisfaction of begging.

“What?” Bates asked with eyes glowing triumphantly. “You want me to stop? Then tell me what S.H.I.E.L.D.’s plan is.”

“Okay, okay,” Ward replied hoarsely, the pain making it hard to talk. “S.H.I.E.L.D. told me to come here and relay a message to you.” He paused, then added without hesitation, “Fuck you.”

He could see fury clouding Bates’ eyes and not a moment later, a blow caught his face, before the Hydra leader drove another fist into his injured side. The pain cut off Ward’s breath and despite his body begging for the agony to stop, he felt himself secretly urging Bates on. Just a little more and his misery would end for good. Before he could hurt the team... He closed his eyes.

“Stop!” Maggie suddenly shouted. “You’ll kill him! We still need him!”

The blows stopped and Ward pried his eyes open. He saw Bates shrugging off his wife’s hands, but the Hydra leader still obeyed and took a step away from the bed.

“Alright,” Bates replied, still angry. “But I want to see results soon! Start the second dose now. I want to see him beg for orders by tonight!”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Maggie reproached him sternly and if Ward had not been in a world of agony, he might have smiled at her tone. “And go cool off. You’re no help to me like that.”

Bates stormed out of the lab and the scientist turned to Ward with a frown.

“You enjoy riling him up, huh?”

Ward just smirked in reply, even though his jaw hurt from the blow to his face and his teeth were probably smeared red from the blood of his split lip. The pain was still raging in his ribcage, making it hard to breathe.

Maggie just shook her head in disapproval, before she went over to the small table and picked up a second vial. Ward watched her uneasily. He was pretty much running on empty by now, he had no strength left to resist. The second dose would break him. He was sure about that.

The scientist came closer and mentioned for one of the guards to force Ward’s mouth open. Despite him trying to struggle out of the death grip, he felt the liquid being poured into his mouth. They cut off his breath again and Ward felt himself panicking for good now. For once, he did not see his younger brother drown, but he himself was drowning. His father and Christian took turns in pressing his head under water. God, no! He could not breathe and refused to swallow. They held him very tightly, he could not move. God, he was going to die. This was how he was going to die, being killed by his own family.

Suddenly, the pressure was gone from his mouth and nose, and Ward spat out the liquid, completely guided by reflex. Then he suddenly realized that he was still in Hydra’s hands and that he had been hallucinating again. But why the hell had they let him spit out the liquid and not forced it down his throat again? Confused, he turned his head and saw that the guards and Maggie were lying on the ground, unmoving. What the...?

He lifted his gaze. And stopped breathing. Skye was standing in the doorway of the lab with a gun in her hand. A few dark strands of hair fell into her brown eyes and the expression on her face was nothing short of challenging. God, she was beautiful!

Ward shook his head. She was still standing there. He tried pressing his eyes shut and opening them again. Nope, she had not vanished.

“No, come on,” he found himself muttering to himself or to whatever god might be listening in. “She can’t be here. Don’t do that to me. Please.”

“Don’t do what?” the hallucination pretending to be Skye asked him cockily, strolling into the lab. “Save your ass? I can leave again, if you want.”

Ward shook his head again and watched her intently. With Bates, it had always worked to look at him long enough and he had soon found things that had not added up. It had also seemed to work to concentrate very hard on the fact that John had only been a hallucination.

“You’re not real,” he whispered to himself and stared at her some more. Please, let her disappear, before she shot him again. He had relived so many painful memories in the last few hours, he could not bear to relive that specific moment again.

Skye raised an eyebrow, then told him with a frown, “Ward, snap out of it!” When he did not respond, she narrowed her eyes and asked him apprehensively, “Did they knock you on the head one too many times?”

Her hand was suddenly on his face, pushing the hair gently from his forehead to get a better look at the wound on his temple. The moment her fingers touched him, he could not hold back a small gasp. It was her! Her touch was electrifying, he would never forget the way she felt. She was here! She was real!

“You’re here,” he choked out, the emotions suddenly welling up in him. He felt ready to break down completely and just weep for the next few hours. Only send in Skye and he was about to lose the grip on his sanity in the mere blink of an eye.

“Yes, I am” Skye replied in a drawn out voice, watching him suspiciously. “We managed to set off the bomb you planted. The building is right now overrun by S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. There’s a war going on in the hallways and we have to get out of here.”

Ward could suddenly hear the distant sound of gunfire and shouting. How could he have missed that before?

Skye started to loosen the straps on his arms and legs, before she suddenly halted and looked at him again, eyes narrowed. “They wanted to brainwash you, right? This is why you’re here. Did they start the procedure already?”

Ward shook his head, because he did not trust his voice not to break. He was not lying, they had not started the actual brainwashing process yet.

“Ward,” she said, gripping his jaw gently so he was forced to look at her. Her beautiful brown eyes were shining with suspicion and... worry? Was she really worried for him? God, he could not deal with this right now. “Ward, what did they do to you? I can feel the tension in your body and your heart is ready to explode. What is going on?”

He swallowed heavily, then replied hoarsely, “They were trying to tear down my resolve and roughed me up a bit.” He paused, then steeled himself and added as a flippant afterthought, “Don’t worry, they did nothing that S.H.I.E.L.D. hasn’t done to me in the last few years. I’ll be fine.”

He instantly received a reaction to his words.

“You’re such an asshole! Do you know that we took this big risk to save your ass? But I guess gratitude isn’t being taught in traitor school,” Skye spat at him, eyes now blazing with anger. So predictable. Ward was glad that he did not have to deal with her worry for him anymore.

“Me being an asshole should prove I’m not brainwashed,” he told her with an arrogant drawl. It was hard to cling to this mask of cockiness he had made himself wear whenever he had something to do with S.H.I.E.L.D. But it was everything he had right now and he had to make sure not to break down while still in this building. Or anywhere near S.H.I.E.L.D. and Skye.

“Yeah, I’m convinced,” Skye deadpanned. “I should leave you rotting in this lab.”

Nevertheless, she cut loose all the straps on his body and watched with crossed arms as he struggled into a sitting position. The room was spinning and he feared for one moment that he would faint when he moved his head too quickly. Every muscle and bone hurt in his body. However, there was no time to rest and lick his wounds. He had to get out and get himself to safety first. As he heaved himself on his feet, he would have promptly collapsed, if not Skye had steadied him.

“Great,” she muttered as she slung one of his arms over her shoulders. “I don’t only get to save your ass, I also have to drag your ass out of here.”

“You must think about my ass a lot, judging from how many times you said it in the last few minutes,” he told her with a smirk that barely pulled on the edges of his mouth.

“Maybe that’s because you’re an _ass_ hole,” she shot back, reloading her ICEr one-handedly.

They stepped out into the hallway and Ward felt himself cursing his weak condition. The hallway was a battlefield, filled with Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D. agents fighting against each other. Skye and Ward ducked into another room for cover and Skye shrugged off his arm from her shoulders.

“Stay here,” she told him while she readied herself to step back out in the hallway. “And don’t run off. We have to make sure you weren’t actually brainwashed.”

“I wasn’t!” Ward replied forcefully and held her back with a hand on her arm. “And I’m not staying here. Give me a gun, I can fight.”

“You can barely stand,” she shot back, eyeing him from head to toe.

“So what?” he asked. “I can still fire a gun.”

The thought of her joining the fight without him made him very uneasy. Sure, she was a fully trained agent now and got powers that made her dangerous, but he was still worried. He could definitely not live with something happening to her if she got herself in danger while saving him in the first place.

She growled something unintelligible under her breath and finally pressed an ICEr into his hand. He muttered a thank you and the next moment they were both out on the hallway again. Ward made sure to keep the wall at his back, because Skye had been right, he was still unsteady on his feet. The moment he raised the ICEr he was suddenly hit with another flashback. Johannesburg, 2007. A suicide mission. Too many people to distinguish friend from foe. He had shot an innocent young man back then. Not his fault, John had told him, just wrong time and wrong place for the youth. God, had he gotten drunk after that mission.

He was about to pull the trigger when his target suddenly whipped his head to the side and he realized that he had just been about to shoot Hunter. Maybe asking for a gun had not been his best idea. To make up for his almost mistake, he shot the Hydra agent aiming for Hunter’s head. The mercenary gave Ward a short nod of thanks that he accepted with a nod of his own.

His mag was empty very soon and just as he thought about hiding in that closet after all, since he was now defenseless, the battle was over. S.H.I.E.L.D. had won. The relief was suddenly so strong that Ward had a hard time keeping himself on his feet. He let himself slide down the wall to the ground. His broken ribs protested the move, but he did not care. He had survived once more and all he wanted to do now was to hole himself up somewhere dark and heal from his ordeal. If he wanted to slip away from the scene – like he always did since striking an unsteady alliance with Coulson – he would need to do it now that everyone was still busy with securing the building. But as much as he wanted to do that, he could not muster the energy to heave himself back on his feet. He was utterly and completely exhausted.

“Thanks, mate,” Hunter told him while he strolled over to lean against the wall just next to where Ward was sitting. “It would’ve been a pity to lose that gorgeous head on my shoulders. Well, good to have you back.”

Hunter’s hand landed unexpectedly on his shoulder in a friendly pat, making Ward start badly. He pulled himself together and forced a smile into Hunter’s direction, who frowned down at him worriedly.

“You alright?” the mercenary asked with raised eyebrows. “Any major wounds we should know about?”

Ward shook his head tiredly, the movement making his head spin. “Cuts and bruises. Two broken ribs and a concussion. I’ve had worse.”

He would not tell them about the serum. It would only make them suspicious around him. He just had to sleep this off and no one would have to know about it.

Hunter nodded, then helped him up, and together with Skye, they walked out of the Hydra fortress. Moving was agony, but Ward told himself to hold on a bit longer. Soon he would be able to rest. Hunter was supporting him and Ward allowed it, because he was not sure he would have made it out under his own power.

As soon as they were out of the building and entering the small forest just outside the fortress, Ward shook off Hunter’s steadying arm and excused himself, before he stumbled a few paces into the woods, then sank to his knees. He knew what he had to do, though it was probably much too late by now. He stuck a finger down his throat and made himself gag. His ribs killed him while he heaved up some small trickle of fluid. It was not enough. He made himself retch again and again, but all he managed to do was make his body shake and sweat with pain and discomfort.

A twig snapped behind him and Ward whipped his head around. Christian? Would his brother chase him around the woods again? He knew how this would play out. When Christian was done scaring him to death, he would beat him, because he was too slow to get away from him.

“No, please, don’t,” he begged, his voice beginning to shake. “I’ll be good. I’ll do whatever you say.”

“Ward?” a female voice asked worriedly. “What is going on here?”

“Skye?” Ward asked hesitantly and in a voice that sounded lost even to his own ears, as he saw her appearing in front of him, with Hunter beside her. Both were wearing concerned expressions on their faces and had probably been worried about him disappearing into the woods. “I... haven’t... heard you coming.”

“Funny,” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest. “With you being super-spy and all that.”

He swallowed heavily, then ran a hand across his face. Maybe if he just lay down and closed his eyes, they would go away? He was so tired.

“Skye? Hunter?” another voice called and a few seconds later, Coulson appeared next to them, quickly taking on an equally worried expression as he saw Ward still kneeling next to a tree. “Oh, you found Ward. Is everything alright?”

Ward answered “Everything fine” at the same time as Skye said, “Nope, something’s off”.

Coulson obviously believed Skye more, because he instantly directed a sharp look at Ward and demanded, “What happened? Out with it.”

Ward sighed, then slowly and painfully pulled himself to his feet, steadying himself against the tree beside him. No one made a move to help him. They had cornered him and if he did not want to risk the small amount of trust they had reestablished, he had to tell them the truth.

“They used a serum on me,” he slowly explained, swallowing heavily. “It’s supposed to facilitate the brainwashing by messing with the test subject’s head.”

“You told me they haven’t brainwashed you!” Skye replied forcefully, anger in her voice.

“They haven’t,” Ward answered tiredly. “They didn’t get around to that. The serum isn’t controlling my mind. It’s just... messing with my head... makes me see things...”

He stopped himself before his voice broke. He could have added that the serum made him completely unsettled and tore all his walls down, leaving his mind a raw and bloody mess. He could have added that he was a hairsbreadth away from breaking down completely.

Coulson watched him seriously, making Ward fidget a little under his gaze.

“You’ll come with us,” the director finally announced. “We’ll get you checked out.”

“No!” Ward retorted quickly, a hint of panic creeping into his voice. “I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep this off.”

Ward had a hard time now to suppress the trembling in his legs and hands. His heart was still pumping madly, as if it never wanted to settle down again. There was no way he wanted to be anywhere near his former team while he experienced the effects of this serum. He had this feeling that things would first get worse before they got better. On his own, he would be able to deal with everything.

“It wasn’t a suggestion, Ward,” Coulson told him sternly. “It is an order. For our own sake as well as yours, to make sure they haven’t really brainwashed you. We’ll keep you under observation for a few hours or days and when you’re cleared, you’re free to go.”

Yeah, that was exactly what he did not want. He did not want the team to see him as he really was: Weak and pathetic.

“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” Ward replied, forcing a cocky undertone into his voice. “You’re not my commanding officer anymore. You can’t force me.”

Coulson actually had the gall to laugh. “Of course I can force you. You’re a wanted fugitive, you know that? I can take you in whenever I want. Our association? It’s merely based on my good will.”

Ward tried to glare at him, but he was suddenly hit by a wave of dizziness that made him grab the tree beside him tightly. If only he would have felt well enough for some kind of bodily resistance. But he was sure he would even lose a fight against Coulson’s left pinky.

“You’re being stupid, Ward,” Skye told him, annoyance creeping into her voice. “First you keep this small ‘detail’ from us, and now you refuse any help. This serum might seriously harm you. You might be glad to have some friends around in case something happens.”

Ward smiled at her bitterly, then asked quietly, “Well, are you? Friends, I mean?”

Skye bit her lips, then looked away.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, shaking his head sadly.

“Just come on, mate,” Hunter finally spoke and decided to take matters in his own hands. He went over and threw Ward’s left arm over his shoulders. Skye quickly appeared on his right side to take his other arm. “Don’t make this difficult.”

And Ward finally gave in. He was tired of fighting and he was even more tired of resisting. Without another fuss, he let himself be led on the plane that would take them all back to the Playground.

 

-tbc-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad?


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Ward set a foot on the S.H.I.E.L.D. plane, he was almost ready to forget his reservations about going back to the Playground with his former team. All he wanted to do right then was to lie down, close his eyes and sleep for a few weeks. He had long passed the stage of being picky about where to rest his weary bones. It did not matter anymore if it was in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s hands, on a garbage dump or in the burnt out nuclear reactor of fucking Chernobyl. Getting off his feet was what mattered.

When he limped up the plane ramp, still supported by both Hunter and Skye, he made the effort of lifting his head a bit and spotted Fitz and Simmons just outside the lab. They wore identical frowns as they watched him being dragged closer to the lab and both had their arms crossed in front of their chests. A warm welcome definitely looked different.

Ward bit his lips. The sight was enough to trigger another painful memory. Fitzsimmons in a med pod, Ward just standing outside. Him pushing a few buttons. The looks of horror and betrayal on the faces of the two scientists. The desperate feeling in Ward’s chest of being torn into two equally terrible and rotten halves. He had tried to tell himself back then that it should not be that hard. That he had done things like that for years now. But even that had not been enough to overcome the feeling of treachery and forsakenness weighing down heavily on him.

Breathing suddenly proved harder and Ward found himself choking on the memories and the emotions they woke inside him. He shook his head and swallowed heavily, struggling his way back to the present. It seemed to get more difficult with every passing minute.

“Almost there, mate,” Hunter tried to cheer him up, probably sensing his distress. On his other side, Skye remained silent, but a frown had taken constant residence on her forehead.

Ward gave a tiny nod, before he focused again on putting one foot in front of the other, until another voice broke his concentration.

“Grant? Thank God, you’re back!”

Kara was suddenly standing in front of him, beaming up at him. He could not remember seeing her ever this happy, her eyes were practically glowing with joy. She opened her arms in a move to hug him, but Ward instantly found himself balking at that prospect. He stemmed his feet into the ground and Skye and Hunter seemed to get the message and halted as well. The relief on Kara’s face quickly turned to confusion and then to worry.

“Grant?” she asked in a small voice. “What happened? Oh God, tell me they didn’t...”

“No, they didn’t brainwash me,” Ward reassured her tiredly. “They didn’t do to me what they did to you.”

She nodded in relief, then brought a tentative hand up to his cheek. Ward clenched his eyes shut. It took all his willpower not to shy away from her touch, though he could not suppress the shudder running down his spine. When he opened his eyes again, he saw sorrow in her eyes. How could he explain that he was unable to bear her touch right now? It was a friend’s touch and therefore it was laced with too many emotions. He could not deal with that right now. They shared too many emotionally charged memories, he was assaulted by them by just looking at her. Of course there were many good emotions among them, too, but they right now only served to intensify the raw and hurting maelstrom in his head. It made him even dizzier and to see her turmoil reflected in her eyes only added to his own. He right now preferred the matter-of-fact physical contact of his former team, who merely touched him out of a feeling of duty. And not because they cared about him.

“I need some time...” he choked out, then had to blink back a sudden moisture that was burning in his eyes. God, why was it so hard to get his emotions in check? He never had a problem in this department before, but his feelings were clawing back up all at once and his nerves lay bare. The serum threatened to reduce him to a wailing baby with a skin as thin as paper. He needed to get back a grip on himself, fast!

“Don’t worry,” he finally managed to add, feeling proud that his voice had stopped shaking. “I just need to sleep this off. I’ll be as good as new by tomorrow.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Kara,” Skye threw in, somewhere between ironic and flippant. “Ward’s pretty much indestructible. He shook off my bullets like they were nothing, he can easily handle something as simple as a mind serum. Not like there’s anything left to destroy in that department.”

Ward was slightly impressed with the speed with which Kara’s face turned from worried to closed off. She was pretty much glowering at Skye.

“It wasn’t _nothing_ ,” Kara explained harshly, making Ward wince when he heard the sound of her teeth grinding together. “He was coughing up blood for days and it took months for the pain to disappear. Don’t you dare to downplay what you did to him!” She halted and gave Skye another glare, just for good measure, before she asked frowningly, “What mind serum?”

It might have been fun to watch Skye being dressed down and even shuffling her feet a bit in embarrassment, if not her slip of tongue served to prolong his vertical position, which Ward wanted to remedy as soon as possible.

“They’ll explain later,” he told Kara, his voice begging her to let the matter rest for the moment. “I’d really like to lie down. Here’s fine. Everywhere’s fine.”

Hunter frowned a bit at that and looked at the hard ground of the ramp they were still standing on, then decided, “Let’s get you into the lab. I’m pretty sure someone will want a blood sample anyway and you can get cleaned up.”

Simmons looked less than thrilled when Hunter and Skye hauled Ward into the lab and on one of the examination tables.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” the scientist complained heatedly. “He can’t stay here, I need to analyze the samples Coulson brought me.”

“You’ve got a perfectly good table right next to this one,” Hunter argued. “You don’t need two.”

“Maybe I do!” Simmons retorted, her voice turning shrill.

Ward heard their argument and realized that he was the reason they were quarreling, but he could not bring himself to care. Lying down helped the ache in his body settle down, so he could easily tune out the rest, things like Simmons wanting him gone from her sight. Which was pretty hilarious in its own right, since she had been the one that had tried to kill him a few weeks ago, not the other way around. But his sense for self-preservation had gone on holidays together with his compartmentalization skills and his voice of reason. Which pretty much left him home alone with a broken mind and broken body. Well, sanity was probably overrated anyway.

Ward tuned back into the argument in time to hear Simmons screech, “... I don’t want him anywhere near me or Fitz or any of my equipment! Lock him up in the interrogation room, I don’t care!”

“Alright, stop,” Coulson interrupted them and Ward pried his eyes open to see the director standing in the lab door with May beside him. “Can someone explain why you feel this is the best time for an argument?”

“Simmons refuses to have Ward here in the lab,” Hunter summarized their quarrel in an annoyed voice. “Which is bollocks, since Ward is barely able to wiggle his toes, let alone attack anyone.”

“Maybe he’s just faking everything,” Simmons threw in, raising her chin. “Waiting for the perfect time to kill us.”

Ward sighed heavily, then said in a tired voice, “I’m not out for revenge, Simmons, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Coulson frowned in confusion at that. “What? Why revenge? That makes no sense at all.”

Oh. Okay. Ward saw Simmons’ angry glare directed at him and replied, “I thought Simmons told you.”

“Told us what?” Skye cut in, sounding suspicious and impatient.

Simmons seemed to have kept that secret to herself. Ward actually felt relieved that she was still human enough to feel ashamed of her actions and not tell anyone about the small incident with the splinter bomb. Well, he had to confess he had thought about the possibility of the team putting her up to that. He was rather happy to see that was not the case.

When Simmons made no move to answer the question, Ward supplied quietly, “That she tried to kill me.”

“Bullshit!” Skye snorted and then looked at the scientist for acknowledgement.

“It was him or us,” Simmons explained with an undercurrent of anger in her voice. “He would’ve betrayed us again. I wanted to prevent that.”

“So you _did_ try to kill Ward?” Coulson asked disbelievingly, one hand already massaging his temples.

Simmons nodded hesitantly, making Skye groan.

“I didn’t betray you again, Simmons,” Ward said tiredly. “And I didn’t plan to. I’m honestly trying to get back into your good graces. You all just don’t want to see and listen. Which I understand, really. But it’s still the truth.”

His little speech had exhausted him and Ward closed his eyes for a moment. Visions of the hateful glances of his former team members when he was led out of Vault D haunted him. He swallowed heavily and opened his eyes again. There was not much of a change in the way most of Coulson’s team looked at him right now. Only nuances. But it had to be enough for now.

“I don’t care what Ward thinks or what he tries to do,” Simmons cut the silence, her lips pressed into a thin line. “I have evidence of what he can do and what he’s willing to do. Based on that, I don’t want him roaming around freely in the lab. Either you get him out of here or he is to be restrained. That’s the only way for me to tolerate him here in the lab.”

The thought of being tied down again, so shortly after his ordeal with Hydra, set Ward’s heart into a new frenzy. No, just no. He could not help but think back to the panicky and jittery state he had been in just an hour ago. His wrists and ankles were chafed raw, a testament to the agitation he had gone through while in captivity. He was only marginally better now, but wearing restraints would definitely bring back a ton of unwanted memories. With shaking arms, he pulled himself into a sitting position. So much for his plans to rest.

“No restraints,” he spoke up, having a hard time to keep the pleading undertone out of his voice. “Lock me up somewhere, I don’t care.”

Ward did not miss the looks of suspicion creeping on the faces of Simmons, May and Skye. Coulson, as always, was unreadable. It was easy to see that they thought he was up to something.

“My wrists and ankles are all chafed up,” Ward explained, holding back on the real reasons he was against any restraints. He could not very well tell them they might provoke a major freak out by tying him down, could he? To prove his point with his injuries, he rolled up his dark sleeves and was a bit surprised to see that his wrists were not only chafed, but were bleeding sluggishly. It was not a nice sight and it spoke of the brute force with which he had struggled against his restraints. The older scars stood out prominently in a mass of cuts and bruises. Only looking at them brought back the desolation he had felt when inflicting this wounds on himself, down in Vault D. The sharpened button moving into his wrist again and again. The desperation and self-loathing he had felt when coming around with a bandaged wrist and the realization that he had been too weak to take his own life. A shudder ran up his spine and his chest felt too tight to draw breath.

Coulson cleared his throat and tore his gaze away from Ward’s bleeding wrists, then decided quietly, “We’ll bring a cot up to the interrogation room.” Somehow, the director looked sad when he ordered, “Hunter, clean and bandage the worst of his wounds, then draw a blood sample.”

“Alright,” the mercenary replied, setting to work immediately while Coulson and May filed out of the lab, leaving only Skye, Fitz and Simmons. Out of the corner of his eyes, Ward could see Kara pacing outside the lab.

Though Hunter was not exactly as thorough or as gentle as Simmons, he patched up the most serious cuts and wounds on Ward’s body with the routine of a military field medic, before he helped him up to the interrogation room, where a cot already waited for him.

Ward let himself be lowered on the mattress and noticed Hunter placing a bottle of water on the floor beside his cot, before the door fell shut and the clicking of a lock could be heard. Not soon after that, Ward noticed the plane taking off and starting its seven-hour-flight back to the Playground.

Despite the utter weariness in his body, sleep eluded him. Ward had expected to drop off as soon as his head hit the pillow, but no such mercy was granted to him. Whenever he pressed his eyes shut, he was haunted by memories and flashbacks, and whenever he opened them again, he had this oppressive feeling that the walls were closing in on him. He had never been claustrophobic before (well, maybe that one time his mother had locked him into the dog kennel for days), but right now it felt like the room was smothering him. The dizziness did not help with that. Everything was swirling around him, even when lying completely still.

And God, his heart rate still refused to settle down. Ward felt with two fingers for the pulse against his neck and could feel that his heart was still pumping wildly and erratically. How long could his body endure that stress before his heart just gave out? He had no idea how long he had been in Hydra’s clutches. The team would probably tell him if he asked. The team might even give him something to finally relax and bring his heart rate down. There was a camera trained on him, Ward knew. All he would need to do was wave. Still, he kept himself still.

Ward shifted a bit in an attempt to get comfortable and threw a bandaged arm over his burning eyes, but it was to no avail. Neither his body nor his mind had any intention of letting him rest. And it was too cold in the interrogation room and they had given him no blanket.

After an hour or two of painful fidgeting, he grew angry at himself and his inability to relax and let go. He could sleep everywhere, all it took was discipline to learn that skill. Fuck, why was it so hard now? Together with his newly found issues, such as panic, claustrophobia and hallucinations, he felt like he was completely losing control. Yeah, it was the serum. But he had been an agent for both S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra, this should not affect him so much.

“Yeah, John, you were right, it’s a _weakness_ ,” he suddenly muttered to himself, tired of hearing his former mentor say the same thing over and over in his head. Like a fucking broken record in his mind. If only he could get the matching look on Garrett’s face out of his head, too. He pressed a hand against his eyes and heaved a ragged breath.

The anger directed against himself suddenly grew stronger. He felt like smashing something. Or maybe crying out of helpless fury. He had not decided yet which was the better course of action. All he could say was that he was suddenly shaking with rage. It was not a Berserker rage, it felt much more like that powerless anger Christian had always put him into when they were kids. The one where tears and snot were silently running down his face while his useless hands trembled with the unfairness of it all.

Ward sat up quickly, wincing as his ribs protested, then reached for the bottle of water and emptied it in one go. The sooner he could flush this serum out of his system, the better. However, drinking the water so fast had probably not been a good idea, because he instantly started to feel sick. He feared for a moment or two that the water would come right back up again, but he managed to keep it down.

The restlessness soon drove him to his unsteady feet and had him pacing the small space of the interrogation room, one arm outstretched to the wall to keep him upright when he got dizzy. The shaking of his limbs had yet to abate, even though the rage had let up a bit. He was freezing. Couldn’t they heat this place?

The door was suddenly unlocked and swung open, revealing May in the entrance. She wore a frown on her face and held an ICEr in her right hand.

“What’s it now?” she asked him, glowering. “You can’t just sit still and make this easy for everyone, can you?”

Ward was at a loss for a moment, then ventured carefully, “What did I do now?”

May narrowed her eyes at him, then replied icily, “You, wandering around and checking the interrogation room for weak spots. It won’t work, you won’t find any. Sit down and keep still.”

Ward could not keep back a snort. Honestly? May thought he was planning something? She would probably laugh, if he told her that his restlessness was born from a sudden bout of claustrophobia and what felt like the verge of a nervous breakdown. The team probably believed he could open this room with just the power of will and a magic spell. Ha, if they only realized how ridiculous they had become in demonizing him into some kind of super villain. He was pretty sure that a super villain had a better grip on that miserable thing he called his life.

“I’d like another bottle of water,” Ward told her and tried to keep his teeth from chattering. “Or do you think I’ll flood this place with it and sail away on a pirate ship I built from this cot?”

May glowered at him some more, then stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Ward sighed. Well, he doubted he would receive more water any time soon. Or if he did, it was probably laced with rat poison.

Another shiver wrecked his body and he stumbled back to his cot, sitting down heavily. He wrapped both his arms around himself for warmth.

Five minutes passed, then the door opened again and Coulson stepped in. Ward immediately spotted the fresh water bottle and the blanket on his arm. The director shut the door behind him and walked over to the interrogation table. He placed both items on the steel table before he sat down on a chair.

“I honestly don’t know what to do with you, Ward,” Coulson sighed, fixing him with a stern look. “I watched you since Hunter brought you in here. It’s obvious that you’re not well. But all you do is fight against us, making snide comments instead of asking for help.”

Ward could hardly believe his ears. “You want to hear me beg for your help? Yeah, well, it’s not going to happen. I don’t need your help. You messed this up in the first place, Coulson. You sent me on this suicide mission without proper planning and without second thoughts. And you know why? Because _I_ agreed to help _you_.”

“Don’t you dare turning everything around this way!” the director suddenly snarled, eyes blazing. “We’re in this whole mess because you turned on us! Already forgot that small detail? You’re a traitor, Ward. You agreed to help us because we in turn agreed to help Kara. That’s how this works. You’re no Mother Teresa, you always have an angle and you always expect something in return. You’re not helping us because you try to make amends, so don’t you dare turning the whole situation your way!”

The words hurt. Ward could not help the way they bit and gnawed at him. This is what they thought of him? They really thought he helped them because he expected something in return? He had obviously lived in the land of delusion, believing that they were actually rebuilding trust. God, how could this have happened to him, a seasoned agent and specialist?

“This is not what this is about for me,” Ward bit out, swallowing heavily. “I tried to apologize, remember? You shot me down. I tried to explain what happened in my family so you might understand... things... better. You sneered it off.”

Coulson looked at him, frowningly and his eyes shining with... disappointment? The disappointment, oh, always the disappointment. If only that did not get to Ward every single time. It was worse than anger or fury. He suddenly had this vivid flashback of John telling him to stop blaming everyone else for his own failures. _‘All these years and you’re still playing the victim!’_

“I’m not playing the victim!” Ward growled in response, shaking all over. “I try to take responsibility for my own actions. I try to sort out what you made me do and where I went wrong! I try to make things better now, is it so fucking hard to see???”

Even when choking out the words, Ward realized he was messing things up again. He was talking to Garrett, then he was talking to Coulson... God, it was so hard to keep things straight. He let his head drop into his propped up hands so as not to be faced with Coulson’s disappointment. Or with John’s disappointment, whatever.

“Ward...” Coulson began slowly after a minute or two of silence, but Ward cut him off immediately.

“ICE me,” he pleaded, feeling moisture leaking from his burning eyes. He was glad he still had his face buried in his hands, this way he could angrily wipe it away before Coulson saw. “Just ICE me. Tell the others I tried to attack you.”

“I’m not going to ICE you,” the director replied almost gently. “Simmons wasn’t yet able to distinguish every component of the serum they used on you, so it isn’t safe to give you anything. It’s a pretty heavy mix they gave you. Some strong psychoactive and psychotropic substances, together with a derivative of amphetamine, sodium pentothal and some other components. Your metabolism is struggling with the drugs. It’s normal to feel off-kilter.”

Ward lifted his head to stare at the other man. Was Coulson suddenly trying to comfort him? The director had changed his attitude towards him so fast it gave Ward whiplash.

“Look,” Coulson continued, looking at Ward imploringly, “we’ll talk when the drugs are out of your system.”

“About what?” Ward shot back, still shivering from the cold. “About my plans to rule the world with my evil plotting?”

“Yeah, I’d be interested in that,” the director replied drily, getting up from the table and bringing the water bottle and the blanket to Ward. “I thought that maybe talking about your family and Garrett might be a good starting point after all.”

Ward grimaced at that. “I tried to talk about that ages ago. You didn’t want to listen. I don’t feel like talking about that now or in the near future.”

Coulson sighed, then answered, “Then don’t. With you, it’s like making one step forward only to make two steps backwards again.”

“Funny,” Ward replied quietly, suddenly feeling the weariness crash over him again. “I feel the same about you and the team.”

The director frowned, then suddenly stretched out a hand to touch Ward’s forehead, startling him badly. The frown deepened some more, before Coulson said, “You’re running a fever. I’ll let you get some rest now.” He got up, then paused and added hesitatingly, “Just try not to throw everything out of the window again.”

Coulson walked out of the room swiftly, leaving Ward to wonder about what was left of his life that he could possibly throw out of the window. He pulled the blanket over his shivering frame and drank from the water, then suddenly thought that Coulson’s words had awfully sounded like a promise.

Maybe there really was something to lose after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for taking this long to update! What can I say? Time is flying and summer broke out. That’s my whole excuse... 
> 
> Special thanks to everyone who reviewed and gave kudos, you kept my bad conscience awake...

When Coulson stepped out of the interrogation room, he immediately spotted May, who had obviously waited for him to finish his conversation with Ward. The tablet in her hand told him that she had watched everything and the frown on her face was a telltale sign that she was highly unamused with what she had seen.

“He doesn’t need coddling,” she told him coldly before Coulson had a chance to say anything. “He doesn’t need understanding. What he needs is a deep dark hole and a heavy lid that fits on top.”

“May,” he tried slowly, searching his brain for the right words. What he had seen just moments ago had thrown him off and he felt like he needed a few minutes for himself to sort his thoughts. “Ward isn’t some kind of demon. Your hatred makes you blind where he comes in. Right now, he’s my responsibility, because I sent him on this mission as my asset. And he got hurt while acting out my orders.”

“I’m not the one being blinded here,” May shot back, eyes blazing. “He fooled us all and he’ll do it again if you let him. Right now he’s acting all meek and pitiable, just waiting to get a foot back in the door.”

Coulson frowned, then started to rub his temples. “Have you checked with Simmons what’s in his system right now? He’s not acting like that. I’m not sure you noticed, but he mistook me there for Garrett for a short moment. That’s... just wrong. If he is faking anything, it’s trying to appear normal and collected.”

“Like insulting me?” May asked. “Making snide comments? Yeah, I forgot, that’s him being normal right now.”

A sigh escaped Coulson’s lips, coming from deep down. “Yes, I won’t deny that Ward is messed up. But this serum, it might allow us a glimpse into what’s going on inside him. Maybe we have to see it as a chance.”

“Wake up, Phil!” May almost shouted in reply. “Your scientific experiment into Ward’s warped mind set hurts this team. We were making progress, you know? We were slowly getting past the hurt and betrayal that has been thrown at us since the rise of Hydra. We were on the way to heal and become a team again. And what do you do? You bring Ward back into the fold and everything goes down the drain. Simmons is hysterical all the time, Fitz regresses into stumbling over sentences and Skye closes herself off from me and everyone else. This is all Ward’s fault. I want him off the Bus and out of our sight!”

Coulson thought about this, long and hard. He could not deny that May’s words rang true. The team’s spirit was low since he had asked Ward to join them on missions regularly. Everyone had been constantly on edge, himself and the new additions to the team included. They were still spread much too thinly, which meant that everyone was wound tightly and tempers were flying high. To be honest, he had overlooked that part of the problem had been him bringing Ward back. Coulson had been so grateful for the ex-specialist’s help and steady work, that he had not looked further than that. Despite being highly skilled, Ward was a burden to the team. He could see that now.

“I’m going to think about everything,” Coulson promised May curtly, then brushed past her on the way to his office.

Over the next few hours of the flight, he forbid himself to think about the traitor in their interrogation room. He had enough on his hands to keep himself busy for days. Reports were arriving in dozens and he was speaking with the operation leaders still back at the Hydra fortress. He had to coordinate the scientific teams, who examined the labs, and the forces who had captured several Hydra agents. It had been a big mission, which meant that the mop up would take days if not weeks. Before Fury had appointed him director, Coulson had been able to leave such things for the higher ups. He fervently longed for these relatively carefree days of the past.

They finally arrived at the Playground and Coulson quickly left his office on the Bus, his mind already on several things at once. He was almost out of the hangar, when a voice stopped him.

“Sir!” Hunter called out and when Coulson turned around, he could see that the mercenary had once more taken it upon himself to hoist Ward around, who swayed between him and Kara. It was only their firm grip that kept the former specialist on his feet. “Where should we put him?”

Coulson took a moment to study Ward. It seemed almost impossible, but the former agent looked even worse than a few hours ago. He was shivering visibly and his eyes were red and glazed over, shadows around and in his eyes. His gaze was darting around the room erratically, never staying in one place for long. Every now and then, he pressed his eyes shut while shaking his head minutely. Coulson doubted Ward fully realized where he was. The serum still had a firm grip on him and he obviously needed medical attention soon.

Coulson opened his mouth to reply, when he suddenly noticed movement out of the corner of his eyes. He turned his head and saw that Simmons, who had been walking down the ramp, had come to a sudden stop upon noticing Ward. A shudder wrecked her small frame and it was hard to tell if it was fear or anger causing it. Behind her, May appeared, crossing her arms over her chest and giving Coulson a long, meaningful look.

Changing his mind in a split second, Coulson finally told Hunter, “Take him down to Vault D. Make sure he has everything he needs and that he gets medical attention.”

Ward’s haunted eyes met his and he could easily read the betrayal and despair in his heavy gaze. Well, Coulson thought with an inner frown, it seemed like the former agent still noticed more of his surroundings than he had thought. There was no protest to be heard from him, but Coulson thought he could see him slump a little more.

Coulson turned around to finally get to his office (and flee the uncomfortable sight), but he was halted once more by another voice.

“It’s not fair!” Kara almost shouted at him, voicing all the angry protest that he had not heard from Ward. “He has done nothing wrong, you can’t lock him up again! Are you now punishing him for getting caught and tortured?”

Sighing, Coulson resisted the urge to massage his aching temples. Of course he did not want to punish Ward for that, but the med bay was right next to the lab, separated only by glass. Which meant next to Fitzsimmons. One way or the other, someone would protest against his choices and Coulson hoped fervently that he was doing the right thing. The team had to come first. May had been right about that.

“I’m not discussing my decisions with you, Agent Palamas,” Coulson replied, forcing sternness into his voice. “Just get it done.”

He turned around, evading Kara’s blazing eyes, and walked away briskly.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Afternoon and evening came quickly.

Coulson had been rather successful with putting Ward and a slightly bad conscience out of his head for a while. But as soon as he had read and signed the last report, his mind immediately turned back to the former specialist. He had heard nothing from Hunter, Simmons or one of his other agents, which meant that there was nothing to worry about. Still, the look of betrayal on Ward’s face was rather hard to push aside. Kara had been right, the former specialist had done nothing wrong. This time.

In the last few weeks, Ward had not given him one reason to suspect that their tentative trust in him had been misplaced. Nonetheless, the former agent had ended up once more in his old prison cell. The one where he had tried to kill himself three times. And presently being under the influence of a highly potent mind drug might bring up some bad memories...

Coulson suddenly winced to himself. Okay, maybe he had not really thought this through. Before he could change his mind once more, he was out of his chair and on his way down to the vaults. He opened the door with the large ‘D’ on it and lightly stepped down the steps to the cell.

The power barrier was up and opaque, and Coulson quickly grabbed the tablet to type in an order. Not a second later, the wall turned transparent.

Ward was not alone. Kara sat next to him on a plastic chair and quickly turned her head when she realized that they had a visitor.

“Director,” she greeted him coldly, then turned her head back to the bed.

Coulson followed her gaze. Ward finally seemed to rest peacefully, eyes closed and his features relaxed. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV line went into his arm.

Coulson deactivated the barrier, before he asked quietly, “How is he doing?”

“Great,” Kara replied sarcastically. “The ambience in here is so cheerful that it helped him a lot with calming down.” She paused, then added with bitterness in her voice, “As soon as he was down here, he lost all awareness of what was going on around him. He was starting to fight us so badly that your people thought it best to tie him down again. They wouldn’t let me sit with him first, even though he was obviously freaked out about being left down here alone. Hunter finally allowed it, but it meant I’d be locked in together with Grant. He finally calmed down a bit after that. I’m not sure if he’s sleeping or just passed out from exhaustion.”

“The IV?” Coulson asked slowly, swallowing heavily. He hesitated a moment, then crossed the line and walked up to where Kara sat.

“He refused water and trying to make him drink sent him into a frenzy. I think he remembered the serum. He’s dehydrated and feverish, so Simmons thought it best to start an IV. It should help with flushing out the drugs.”

“Simmons was down here?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Kara bristled a bit, then nodded, just once. “Maybe she came down to see the monster, but got moved by pity after all.”

It was not that hard to imagine. Coulson had never seen Ward look more fragile. The former specialist had always had something intimidating about him, probably a combination of his height and the frown he had constantly worn during his undercover months. Or the dangerous smirk that he had sported after the Hydra reveal. All of that was missing now. Ward appeared small in the sterile white bed and the smoothened features made him look like one of the Lost Boys.

“But he’ll be fine, right?” Coulson asked once more.

“Hopefully,” Kara replied steadily, not meeting his eyes. “Some of the components of the serum are still unidentified. His heart rate is still elevated and his metabolism is struggling. If the serum isn’t wearing off in the near future...”

Her voice trailed off, hiding the trembling that had been beginning to show. Coulson stole a quick glance at her and could see that she looked worn and haggard. There was no doubt that she genuinely cared about Ward. Coulson was still unsure how the two of them stood to each other. Sometimes they seemed to be romantically involved, sometimes they acted like siblings. If Coulson interpreted their behavior correctly, he would have said that Kara was slightly more interested in taking everything a step further and Ward had been the one holding back. But with the two of them, he could not really tell.

A small whimper cut his thoughts and Coulson snapped his gaze down to a stirring Ward. The former specialist still had his eyes closed, but a pained grimace had taken hold of his face.

“Shhh,” Kara soothed. “Everything’s fine, go back to sleep.”

But the frown just etched itself deeper into Ward’s forehead and soon his lips opened to start whispering, “No... please... not again... Christian... don’t... I’ll be good... please...”

“He’s not here, Grant,” Kara tried again, but it was clear to Coulson that Ward was too far gone to hear her.

“Please... don’t... Father! Help me!”

Ward quickly grew agitated and Kara tentatively reached for his hand, then snatched it back again when it made him flinch badly. She ran a hand over her face in helplessness, then threw a quick glance at Coulson, before she whispered to Ward under her breath, “He can’t hurt you or Thomas anymore. Grant, please stop. You need to calm down. Coulson’s here.”

Strangely enough, that seemed to get Ward’s attention. He quieted down and blearily opened his eyes to peer up at Coulson.

“’m sorry,” the former specialist whispered again, voice breaking, and Coulson first thought he was still caught in his memories. “...sorry for... hurting... the team... m’ not... a good man...”

His voice trailed off and Coulson was left staring at him. The apology sounded sincere. How could it not, being delivered with what sounded like Ward’s final breath?

The former specialist’s eyes drifted away from Coulson’s face and along the dark and bare walls of his cell. Ward pressed his eyes shut and shuddered, then choked out, “... should’ve... let met die, Coulson...”

Coulson ground his teeth and took a deep breath, then answered as steadily as he could, “I’m not going to let you die, Ward. You’re going to be just fine, alright? I don’t think this serum is fatal. It’ll wear off eventually.”

“... should’ve let me... bleed out...” Ward continued hoarsely, his eyes roaming the padded walls of his cell again. Only then Coulson realized that the former specialist was still caught in the past, reliving his suicide attempts. Back then, Coulson had been furious with him for trying to take the easy way out. Now, he only felt pity.

“It’s all in the past, Grant,” Kara tried again to comfort him, with only minor success. “It’s the serum bringing everything up. It’ll wear off in no time. You’ll be out of the woods soon.”

This seemed to be a bad choice of words, because Ward suddenly gaped at her in horror. “Woods? No, no, no... Don’t leave me out here alone! John!”

Coulson perked up his ears at that. John? Did Ward mean Garrett?

“Do you know what he’s talking about?” he asked Kara cautiously.

She snorted (in derision?), then turned to face Coulson. “Maybe it’s because I was brainwashed, but I don’t remember S.H.I.E.L.D. ever being this clueless. You really have no idea, do you?”

The contempt in her voice took Coulson off guard, so much that he let her disrespect slide. He had no idea what she was talking about.

“Care to enlighten me?” he asked in return, trying to sound in control.

“God, you people should spend less time with moralizing and more time with doing your homework,” Kara replied with a disbelieving shake of her head. “Have you ever done a background check on Grant?”

“Skye did that,” Coulson answered with a frown. “She found out that he tried to burn down his parents’ house when he was fifteen and that he was in juvie for a few years after that. Someone must have covered up that part or Ward would never have been accepted as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. A clean slate is a minimum requirement to be accepted at the academy, you know that.”

“Yeah, but maybe you should’ve taken a closer look,” she said meaningfully. “Grant was in juvie for only ten days. Garrett broke him out.”

What the...? Coulson could not believe what he heard. “That’s... that’s impossible. That would mean that Ward was a teenager when he first met Garrett.”

“Exactly.” Kara’s tone was nothing if not smug.

“That’s impossible,” Coulson repeated. “Garrett was a full-time agent, he didn’t have time to look after a kid.”

“That’s why he left Grant in the woods to fend for himself,” she replied, the smug tone being replaced by sadness.

Coulson found himself swallowing heavily at that. It could not be true. No, it _must not_ be true! Could S.H.I.E.L.D. really have overlooked such a vital part of one of their agent’s background? He needed to talk to Skye as soon as possible, asking her to try and verify (or better: falsify) Kara’s statement. That would mean that Ward had known Garrett for half his life. And it would also mean that Ward had been Hydra before he had been a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. God, even before he had reached adulthood. Coulson bit his lips.

The long and heavy silence was eventually broken by Ward.

“... not down the hole...” the former specialist muttered, pressing his eyes shut and moving his head from left to right. “... please... not down the hole...”

“He doesn’t realize what’s happening around him anymore,” Kara sighed quietly while Ward’s voice trailed off. It seemed like she had shaken off her former rancor and went back to worrying. “He’s rambling for hours now. This place makes everything worse. It triggers all kinds of bad memories in him.”

She looked at Coulson with silent accusation and Coulson found himself looking away from the staring contest first.

“So what do you think would help?” he asked slowly, one half of his brain still mulling over the possibility that Garrett had recruited Ward when he was still a kid.

“A change of place,” Kara instantly replied. “Get him out of here. Maybe somewhere he hasn’t tried to kill himself and where it’s not so dark and gloomy.”

“Pretty much all of the Playground is underground,” Coulson explained with a frown. “The place was built as a bunker. It tends to be dark and gloomy around here.”

“Your office isn’t,” Kara pointed out meaningfully. “It’s flooded by sunlight.”

Coulson stared for a moment or two, before he shook his head. “You can’t mean... No!”

Kara raised her eyebrows at him. “You asked what would help. This would help.”

Suppressing a groan, Coulson ran a tired hand over his face.

“I’ll think about it.”

 

-tbc-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad?
> 
> Sorry, no Ward POV in this chapter. We’ll get to that in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

The cold was merciless. It was all around him and with every wet drop that leaked through his thin clothes, the chill seeped deeper into his bones. The sudden crack of thunder startled him, before he hunched over some more for warmth.

Where was Buddy? He had been beside him just moments ago, he could not be far. The smell of wet fur was still in his nose and he longed for the meager warmth the dog would provide. And not just for the warmth. God, he was alone. He had never been more alone in his entire life. There was not even one human soul to be found in the radius of a few hundred miles.

What had he been thinking, taking a complete stranger up on the offer of busting him out of juvie?

It had been the last in a row of stupid things he had done in the last few days. Why had he even thought that burning down his parents’ house would solve anything? Why couldn’t he have followed his sister’s lead and waited just another year or two before turning his back on his family for good? He would not be in this mess right now. Just a few more years and he would have been free to build his own life. Get a grip on everything and start over new. He could have started working in a book store. Or done something with animals. He was not picky, he might have made peace with pretty much every job that promised a quiet life. But no, instead of waiting it out, he had acted rashly on his feelings. And his feelings had told him that he could not take it anymore, not even for another day.

He shivered and wiped his wet hair out of his forehead. Would the man, John, come back? Would he leave him out here to die? Would he come back to do horrible things to him?

The fear in the pit of his stomach made him tremble all over. He didn’t want to die! He wanted to get out of here!

“Buddy!” he suddenly screamed, his voice getting lost in the noise of the storm. “Buddy! Come here!”

Where was the dog? He couldn’t have gone that far...

Out of nowhere, a thought struck him. Something was wrong here. Buddy was dead. Had he shot the dog? But why would he kill his only companion? This made no sense at all.

“Buddy!” he tried to shout again, but all that came over his lips was a feeble whisper.

A hand was suddenly on his shoulder, startling him badly. Without thinking, he lashed out, but his weak punch was deflected easily.

“Ward, calm down,” a man’s voice told him. There was kindness in it and something else... Sadness? Exasperation? Weariness? He could not tell.

He cracked his eyes open slightly and had to blink against the brightness that blinded him. It was sunlight. He felt sunrays dancing on his face. The realization that the storm and that terrible night must have passed made his disorientation complete.

“...John? You finally came... get me out of here?” he asked faintly.

“Not quite,” the man told him and though Ward could not make out his face against the brightness of day and the blurriness of his vision, he could hear the frown in the other’s voice. The man sounded unamused and disapproving now, all kindness gone, which made Ward realize that he had said something wrong.

He blinked some more, but his vision remained blurry. Something was off. Where the hell was he? He tried to struggle to a sitting position, but he found his arms too weak to support him and his ribs were screaming in pain. Gasping, he fell back to the mattress. Blood was rushing in his head and his heart was beating wildly.

“Relax,” the man told him quietly and Ward could have wept with relief to hear that the kindness was back. He had not messed this up. He had not done anything wrong. “Get some rest, Ward.”

The voice was familiar. He knew that voice, he was sure of it.

Blinking sluggishly at the blurry face, he asked hoarsely, “... sir?... Coulson?”

He heard a sigh, then the blurry blob nodded his head. “Yes, it’s me.” After a short moment, Coulson repeated, “Get some rest now.”

Ward tried to do just that. The sunlight felt nice on his face and he found himself slowly relaxing. His heart settled down to a slow pace and his mind felt comfortably empty. He was out of the woods, that much was clear. Just... where was he?

As if his thoughts had been heard, Coulson said quietly, “You’re safe. Everything’s fine.”

Ward believed him and let himself slip into nothingness again.

 

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

 

A moan pulled him from the depths of a dead sleep.

Ward struggled to open his eyes, dreading to be greeted by another ghost of the past. Instead, he was met by a rack of grey folders to his left. Files? He blinked a few times, but the folders stayed in place. Alright. True, he might have had some nightmares about paper work every once in a while, but that had been on a very different level than the gut-wrenching memories and flashbacks he had experienced in the last few hours. Seeing the files and what looked like a stash of office supplies almost felt calming right now.

His memories were shady on the last few hours, but he clearly remembered his captivity and the effects of the mind serum. He also remembered Coulson putting him back in Vault D, though that part was less clear in his memory. However, it was obvious that he was not in his prison cell anymore.

Drawing a deep breath, he took a moment to take stock of himself. His heart beat at a slow steady rhythm and he felt like he had at last reconquered some measure of control over his awareness. So far, it seemed like the hallucinations had stopped. The serum was finally wearing off and it looked as if his past was back in the boxes where it belonged. His mind however was still raw and aching, like the dull throbbing of a healing wound that would roar back alive if poked one too many times. His injuries had not vanished either. His broken ribs hurt with every breath and he had a monster headache that spoke of head trauma. To sum it up, he felt like shit. And still, he was much better than he had been before.

Another moan cut the silence and now that Ward was a bit more awake, he could easily tell that the voice was female. And it did not sound like the woman was in pain. More like the opposite.

He slowly turned his head in the direction of the sound and realized two things at once: He was lying on a cot in Coulson’s office (what the hell was he doing in Coulson’s office?) and it was not the director sitting behind the desk. It was Hunter, staring at the screen of a laptop in front of him, deeply engrossed. The computer was definitely the source of the moaning, but Ward could not see what he was watching because the screen was turned away from him.

“Are you seriously watching porn in Coulson’s office?” Ward croaked out, feeling some childish satisfaction when Hunter flinched badly at the sound of his voice.

However, the former mercenary got himself under control quickly and shot Ward a look over the lid of the laptop with raised brows.

“Duh, you Americans are all prudes,” he drawled in reply, shaking his head in mock sadness while the woman in the film moaned on without missing a beat. “And it’s not technically porn. It’s a European art-house film, they all sound like that.”

Even though Ward had been a spy the better part of his life, he truly could not tell if Hunter was joking or not.

When Ward said nothing in reply, Hunter sighed and turned down the sound a bit before he looked back at Ward. “What else should I watch while on nanny duty?”

So that meant the former mercenary was there because of him. Probably making sure Ward was not stealing anything. He was dying to know more about his present sleeping arrangements, but he pushed these thoughts out of his mind, then asked back slowly, “What’s wrong with the History Channel?”

Hunter smirked slightly, then replied, “Well, nothing’s wrong with the channel itself, more like with what you call history. That last 200 and something years? Laughable, really. Queen Lizzie herself is older than that.”

Ward felt his lips tick up slightly at that. This whole scene was both extremely bizarre and oddly normal at the same time. It felt like some light banter among team members. Thing just was that he was not a member of _any_ team anymore. Beside that, he hardly knew Hunter. Sure, they had exchanged some words when it was mission-related and the former mercenary had acted friendly enough around him, but that was about it.

“What am I doing in Coulson’s office?” he finally asked and winced a bit as he started to push himself into a sitting position on the cot. His head was killing him. He lifted a hand to rub his temples, and only then noticed that he was hooked up to an IV. Things must have gone worse than he had thought. He also had no idea how much time he had lost.

“How much do you remember?” Hunter asked back carefully, snapping his laptop shut. The moaning immediately stopped.

The ensuing silence made Ward deeply uncomfortable. He was definitely missing things here. His stomach gave a funny twinge, a dull echo of the panic he had experienced before. What had he said while under the serum? He wracked his brain for memories of the last few hours, which made his head hurt with a new vengeance. Things were hazy since he had set foot on the plane. Coulson had seen him hallucinating, hadn’t he? That thought brought his pulse up again. What did they know? Now that he thought about it, the light banter with Hunter should already have told him that something was off. Something had changed.

“I remember fighting Hydra and I remember Coulson forcing me aboard the plane, after that everything’s a blank,” he replied, lying through his teeth.

“Oh, good. Count yourself lucky you don’t remember the rest,” Hunter commented with raised eyebrows, giving him a small smile.

And suddenly it struck Ward what was different. A hint of pity swung in Hunter’s voice. What he had initially taken for friendliness was actually pity. That realization made him faintly nauseous. Oh god, what had he said?

“Well, I’m fine now,” Ward stated as levelly as he could and started to detach the IV from his arm.

“Mate, I’m not sure you’re cleared for...” Hunter tried to say, but Ward cut him off.

“I’m fine,” Ward repeated and pulled out the IV with a bit more force than necessary, then heaved himself to his feet. His ribs and head screamed at him to lie back down again and he felt weak as a kitten, but his legs held his weight, which he interpreted as a victory. “You could see for yourself that I’m not brainwashed, so let me go.”

Hunter bodily moved between him and the door, then told him with a frown, “Whoa, I don’t know what got your knickers in a twist all of a sudden, but I’m sure you can’t just walk out of here like that.”

“Like what?” Ward snapped, refusing to steady himself against a shelf even though it was tempting.

“Like you’ll collapse any second,” Hunter shot back, levelling him with a pointed look. “Dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. Barefooted. With a look on your face that spells murder for the first one to cross your path.”

“Coulson promised to let me go,” Ward pointed out, having a hard time to keep the growl out of his voice. All he could think about was that he wanted to be out of here as soon as possible. A tiny voice in his head told him that he was running away – from himself, the team, the world, whatever – but he did not feel like listening to it.

The door opened and the man they had just been talking about stepped in, raising his eyes at the sight before him.

“What’s going on here?” Coulson asked, voice still calm, but a frown on his face.

Ward suddenly remembered that voice telling him that everything would be alright. He remembered the kindness in it, which had meant so much when he had been under the influence of the serum. Now, it made him sweat. Everything in him screamed to do his very best to hear that kindness again, to work his ass off so he would have someone around who cared. It was John all over again. And that was bad.

What the fuck was wrong with him?! He would never learn, would he? He was like a dog, trying to please his new master. If he had not been busy with keeping himself upright, he would have sneered at himself in disgust.

“Well,” Hunter began, answering Coulson’s question. “Ward has obviously risen from the dead and thinks he’s ready to leave us already.”

Coulson switched his gaze to Ward and frowned a bit more.

“You want to leave?” the director asked.

“You promised to let me go,” Ward replied and felt quite proud that his voice remained steady. They obviously already knew how pathetic he really was, but he had some small scraps of self-respect left, which he would guard with his teeth bared. It was everything he had left.

“I did,” Coulson acknowledged, a touch of worry in his eyes. “But I didn’t say when you could leave. You have a few rough hours behind you. I want you to stay here on the Playground for another 24 hours.”

Ward felt his throat choking up. His reaction told him that the serum was still in his system and that his grip on his emotions was not as strong as it had been before this whole mess. Why was Coulson trying to keep him here? Was this all some kind of ploy and he would end up back in Vault D no matter what he did? Or was Coulson actually concerned about him? None of these two options made him feel any more at ease.

“What if I don’t want to stay?” Ward finally asked back, forcing a hint of cockiness into his voice.

Coulson sighed, then levelled him with a long look. “We don’t have to make this difficult, Ward. But you know we have measures to make you stay.”

Ward gritted his teeth at that. All these years and he still had not learned his _fucking_ lesson! Never trust anyone, especially not the damn Salvation Army, in whatever form it might appear to him. He shoved it all to the back of his mind and forced a smirk on his face. “Yeah, get the monster back in your basement before it tears out your throats.”

Coulson’s frown deepened before he replied forcefully, “This is _not_ what this is about. You should see yourself, you can barely stand! You weren’t yourself in the last few hours and I’m not sure if that serum is fully out of your system yet, so my conscience won’t allow it to just let you walk out of here when you make a decision that you can’t take full responsibility for. I want to help you, Ward. I’m not punishing you. But to me, it feels like you’re constantly fighting me, even when you’re presently on our side.”

“You labelled me as the enemy!” Ward shot back angrily. “That’s what your enemy does, fighting you.”

“Damn it, you _were_ the enemy!” Coulson exploded. It was a rare sight, to see the director for once lose his calm. “You worked against us and betrayed us! I don’t know what you are now, Ward, but you can’t expect us to just forget. This team got hurt by your actions. They are still hurting and they don’t trust you. The team comes first and if the team feels threatened by you, I’ll do everything I can to make them feel safer.”

Ward swallowed heavily, the words paining him more than he wanted to admit. The anger he had felt just moments ago left him in a rush, leaving him light-headed and with his head aching more viciously than before.

“I won’t hurt them again,” he promised thickly. “I never wanted to hurt them in the first place.”

Coulson was silent for a moment, then – visibly calmer – nodded his head. “I know. But you did. And I realize now that there are reasons why you did it.”

The sudden turn of conversation made Ward deeply uncomfortable. He could hear the traces of pity weaving itself into Coulson’s voice as well. Great, he went from traitor to basket case in just a few hours. God, he hated his life.

“Where will I stay for the next few hours if I’m not allowed to leave?” he asked, going for a brisk change of topic.

“Would you be alright with one of the spare bunks?” Coulson asked back, allowing the topic change without a comment.

It was a strange question and Ward felt himself frowning. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s underground,” the director explained, watching him intently. “You had some troubles with the dark. It’s why Kara thought it best to bring you up here.”

Hunter, who had watched their exchange without saying a word, suddenly snorted, then commented, “Troubles is good. It looked more like an epic crack-up.”

Coulson tried to silence Hunter with a glare, but Ward had heard enough to speed up his pulse. They had seen him at his weakest. John had told him so many times to get rid of his weaknesses or to at least never let other people know about it. Because people would just take advantage of it. The team had probably thought it pretty hilarious to see him scared of the dark and his own shadow. This might have even cracked up May.

“An underground bunk is fine,” Ward replied as steadily as he could, ignoring Hunter’s comment and pushing down his inner turmoil. Still, the humiliation stung terribly.

“Good,” Coulson replied, then went for his desk and pulled a box out of one of the drawers. He opened it and Ward saw that it held a metallic bracelet, not unlike the one Skye had worn back then when the world had still rotated around its own axis. “Hold out your hand.”

Ward did as he was told and the bracelet snapped shut around his bandaged right wrist. At least it was light enough not to aggravate his injuries.

“It will allow you access to the showers, bathroom and the kitchen,” Coulson explained and gave him a long look. “It will prevent you from going anywhere else and it has a tracker on it.”

Ward nodded numbly and suddenly felt again this urge to somehow show his worth to Coulson. Before he could stop himself, he muttered, “I know how to get rid of it. It’s not easy, but it can be done.”

The way Hunter gaped at him was almost funny, but the director just gave him an intent look.

“Yes,” Coulson said slowly. “I’ve expected as much. Still, I trust you to keep it on your wrist for the time being. And I’d advise not to tell anyone else that you can get it off whenever you want.”

Coulson gave him a small smile and a meaningful look that Ward could interpret in only one way: This was a huge leap of faith and Ward better not mess it up this time. He nodded hesitantly.

“Good,” the director said. “I have things to do. Hunter, could you show Ward to the room 32b? And get another blood sample to Simmons, I want to know how much of the serum is still in his system.”

Hunter gave a slightly mocking ‘Yes, sir’ before he sauntered to the door. Ward followed him with cautious steps.

 

_-tbc-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad?
> 
> I’m not completely happy with this chapter, because Ward somehow ran away with me and just didn’t want to end up where I wanted to have him. Of course he would be difficult not only towards Coulson, but also towards me... I wanted to speed up things, but then I realized that some things would take up more time than I thought, so there’s not a whole lot of plot in this one. We’ll (hopefully!) move along more quickly in the next chapter!
> 
> And just a side note: While writing this, I realized for the first time, that the show didn’t only make Ward a villain in the finale, they also took away every chance that we will ever see a Ward-Hunter-bromance on screen... Damn, I’ve been looking forward to that the whole season! And now, in S3, Hunter will hate Ward’s guts for almost killing Bobbi... Stupid writers! Duh...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, thanks so much for continued support, this really means a lot to me! 
> 
> There’s good news and there’s bad news, which one first? Alright, I decide: Good news is, yay, another update already, before the next weekend! Bad news is that I won’t be able to update for the next two weeks... Sorry about that! I had really hoped to have this story finished before my holidays, but the fic – as usual – had its own mind. And this is slowly getting huge! So please be patient with me.

“You can seriously get off the bracelet?” Hunter curiously repeated his question, since the first two times he had asked had yielded no answer. “You were just boasting, weren’t you? Trying to brag about your super cool spy-guy double-agent don’t-mess-with-the-dark-side skills, right?”

Ward shot him a warning look out of narrowed eyes while two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents crossed their path on the hallway.

“You heard Coulson,” he hissed at the former mercenary, “I’m supposed to keep that detail to myself, so don’t go blathering it to every agent that comes our way.”

Hunter rolled his eyes at that. “I just want to know how you do it. And do you always do exactly as you’re told?”

“Yeah, that’s kind of my thing,” Ward snapped back without thinking, then forcefully shut his mouth. His temper was getting shorter with every second since stepping out of Coulson’s office. His head was killing him, sending red-hot spikes of pain through his brain with every step he took. It did not help with the steadily growing pit of anger in his stomach. He was angry at Coulson for refusing to let him leave, angry at Hunter for badgering him about such trivia and – first and foremost – he was angry at himself.

Why was he even doing Coulson’s bidding? Why did he feel the need to please Coulson? He should have shut his mouth about getting rid of the bracelet, waited out the first few calm minutes, peeled it off and gotten out of here. Easy as that.

A sudden thought struck him, leaving him breathless for a moment or two. What if the serum really was not a way of simply tearing down his mental resolves, as Bates’ wife had told him, but actually the first step to the brainwashing itself? What if he was already programmed, with this serum, to look for a master and to obey orders? And since the Bates had not been around for the crucial phase, his mind had made him cling to Coulson. The thought was like a blow to his stomach. For a short moment, he felt like throwing up.

“You know,” Hunter prattled on, “all things and your dozens of murders considered, you’re not all that bad. But I have to say that I agree with Skye on one thing: You really are the most anti-social person I’ve ever met. Is it really so hard for you to be nice to people?”

“Shut up,” Ward growled, fighting down any outward reaction to the gut-wrenching realization that he actually might be suffering from the effects of brainwashing and at the same time trying to quell the urge to smash Hunter’s head into the wall beside him.

“Well,” the ex-mercenary drawled with raised eyebrows, giving him a long look from the side. “I guess hat answers my question.” He stopped, then briefly pointed to a room, “This is your bunk. Have fun, asshole.”

With that, Hunter walked off and left Ward standing in the hallway all by himself. Ward felt a short stab of guilt at the realization that he had scared off a possible friend or at least an ally on the Playground, but then he found himself too exhausted to bring himself to mull over this newest development for more than a second.

He opened the door to his bunk and entered the small windowless room that basically only contained a bed, a chair and a small desk, nothing else. His old cell in Vault D had probably been four times as big as this closet. Not that he wanted to change sleeping arrangements, not at all. The only way they could make him go back to Vault D was either dead or unconscious.

Ward let himself sink down slowly on the narrow bed, then leaned back against the wall, letting his aching head rest against the cool concrete. He just wished this whole mess was over already. Or even better, he wished he could go back in time and somehow manage to get away from S.H.I.E.L.D. before he was even led onboard the plane, so they would not have seen him wrestling with his demons and losing badly, being reduced to a whimpering, pathetic mess that was afraid of his own shadow. He pressed both hands against his burning eyes. Then again, if he was already giving in to the temptation of daydreaming and conjuring up impossible scenarios, why not go back to the day he betrayed them all and make a different decision?

Biting his lips and shaking his head a bit to himself (and regretting this move instantly when the pain intensified), he lowered himself down into a lying position. He allowed the small moan of relief that escaped his lips when his hurting body finally came to a rest. He had to somehow pass the next few hours and if Coulson had been telling the truth, he would be free again tomorrow. First, he needed to get another hour or two of sleep, then he needed to talk to Kara about the brainwashing. It was with a slightly bad conscience that he only now remembered his friend. She must have been quite upset about everything. A hazy memory of her sitting at his bedside came to his mind, but he was unsure if she had really been with him in the last few hours or if his brain had conjured up images from the time when she had nursed him back to health after Skye had shot him. He really needed to talk to her.

With that thought on his mind, he slipped into a light sleep.

 

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

 

Ward woke up an hour later to what felt like the worst hangover in history, his head pounding with a vengeance and his mouth dry. And truth to be told, that meant something, because he knew _a lot_ about bad hangovers. Alcohol had been what had helped him over some of his worst missions in his first few years as a specialist. John had been furious with him when he had caught wind of his drinking sprees, and had told him in no uncertain terms that he should knock it off. It had been one of the few things in which Ward had disobeyed John. Sometimes hard liquor had really been the only way of dealing with the aftermath of a bad mission, but after his mentor’s (painful) lecture, he had just taken care to drink in secret and not be too obvious about it in front of John.

Sitting up with a small moan, he decided that he needed some water. It might help with the headache and with getting rid of the serum. Thing just was that there was no water to be found in his room and he would probably need to look for it in the kitchen. Which meant showing himself to the agents on the Playground and possibly to his former team.

Sighing, he got up and pulled on a hoodie with a huge S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on it. He mourned his own clothes that had probably been burnt after soaking up his blood, the serum he had spat out in captivity and his own sweat of distress. But at least he had something to wear. And it was not as if he was a stranger to standard issue S.H.I.E.L.D. clothes.

He opened the door and peered out carefully, making sure no one was on the hallway, before he walked towards the kitchen. He could not shake off the feeling that he was somehow infiltrating the base and that people would sound alarm if they caught him on the hallway. Even though Coulson himself had allowed him access to the kitchen.

As he reached the door that would lead to the canteen-like kitchen, he saw that it stood half-open. And he could hear voices talking not too far away from the door. Familiar voices. Without conscious thought, he froze and pressed himself slightly against the wall right next to the door, making himself both invisible from inside the kitchen and looking inconspicuous enough if someone surprised him on the hallway.

“... I don’t know why it’s so hard, but I still couldn’t identify two components of the serum,” he heard Simmons complaining. “I ran it through different programs multiple times, but nothing came up.”

“Have you tried asking the scientist? Bates’ wife?” Skye’s voice asked, making Ward hold his breath unconsciously.

“Coulson doesn’t allow visits to Bates and his wife yet,” he could hear Fitz explaining. “He wants to be the only one to interrogate them for the next one or two days.”

Ward frowned deeply. Bates and his wife were here on the Playground? Good, very good. This was definitely an information worth having. Maybe there was some fairness to be had after all.

“I could ask Ward to give me more of his blood?” Simmons suggested, a forcedly cheerful and deadly undertone in her voice. “Let’s say another two or three liters?”

Ward felt himself freeze some more, this time from the inside. It seemed like Simmons had not yet given up on her plans to do him some serious harm. Though his mission to save John had always come first, he had never wanted to sprout such hatred in anyone.

There was a pause, before he could hear Fitz sigh. “Jemma... please don’t. I know you’re still angry, but it’s not worth it, to cultivate such negative feelings over such a long time. Please, let it go for the time being. Ward will be gone from our sights anyway in a day or two, and beside that... he didn’t do anything wrong this time.”

“Don’t, Fitz...”

“It’s true,” the engineer interrupted her. “For the last three months, he helped us. You thought he had turned on us again, but instead he had been captured and tortured. I won’t and can’t forget what he did to us, but let’s just look at the facts: He helped us out every time we asked him in the last few weeks.”

“You can’t be this naive!” Simmons retorted heatedly. “He’s helping us out because he wants to regain our trust. He’ll be docile and heroic for months, maybe years and when we finally let him back in, he’ll only betray us again.”

Ward winced to himself. That hurt to hear. He had done some damage that he could probably never fix, no matter how hard he tried. Until now, he had always thought he just needed to hold on and eventually, the team would realize he was genuine in his efforts to get back into their good graces. But if Simmons expected him to betray them all again in _years_?

“It makes no sense, Jemma...” Fitz tried to explain, but was interrupted by Simmons.

“Of course it makes sense!” she shot back in a shrill voice. “Skye, help me out here, please!”

A silence followed that was hard to interpret for Ward, who could not see them or their facial expressions after all.

“I don’t know...” Skye finally said with hesitation in her voice, making Ward perk up his ears. “I’m not sure it’s that easy to say, we have...”

“Oh come on!” Simmons interrupted her, sounding beyond exasperated. “Is there something in the water that makes the both of you naive and sentimental all of a sudden?!”

“It’s not that,” Skye replied, sounding oddly uncertain for once. “I shouldn’t even tell you about this, but... okay, just don’t tell Coulson, alright? This stays among just the three of us.” There was a short pause, before she continued quietly, “Coulson asked me to take a look into Ward’s background, again. You remember when I found out about him burning down his parents’ house? Kara told Coulson Ward was in juvie for just a few days, then Garrett supposedly broke him out.”

Ward felt as if someone had doused him with cold water. No, no, no... What had they been thinking? Kara telling Coulson something this private and Coulson setting Skye of all people on it? Coulson he could understand, but Kara... It felt like a stab in the back.

“And?” Fitz wanted to know. “Did Kara tell the truth?”

“I’m not completely sure yet,” Skye explained slowly. “But someone tampered with his files. Someone that was to 99% using S.H.I.E.L.D. technology. And why would someone with S.H.I.E.L.D. connection change Ward’s file back in 1998 if he only got out of juvie several years later?”

“So what?” Simmons asked back, tone flippant. “Even if it’s true, it doesn’t change a thing.”

“It kind of does,” Skye replied slowly, “since Ward was at that time only fifteen years old. It also brings up the question where he was for the missing five years, before he was accepted at the academy.”

A heavy silence followed and Ward suddenly heard soft footsteps, coming from the other end of the hallway. He quickly retreated from the half-opened kitchen door and disappeared into the bathroom right next to him. A shudder wracked him as he locked the door and pressed his back against it.

If he had been on a mission to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D., this would have been his card to play, to get back into their good graces. Playing the poor abused victim of John Garrett who had been too young to take any responsibility for his own actions.

However, he was not on a mission and even if he had been, this would have broken him. It struck much too closely to home. His past was a weapon that would eventually destroy himself, no matter if he first yielded it against someone else. John would have probably told him to go with it. But Ward could not do that. Being a double agent for the better part of his life, he had struggled for at least some anchor points in his life, to remember who he was and why he was doing what he did. And this would have definitely crossed that line.

Beside that, his heart raced at the thought of the team knowing about his past. He did not want to take advantage of it, hell no, he wanted them to forget everything they had ever heard about it! They had no right to know about his first meeting with Garrett or the painful years that followed! That was only for him to know, and, at least partly, for John. No one else. So why did he have to tell Kara about it in a weak minute? God, he had been stupid! He could not trust _anyone_.

He stepped in front of the sink and turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run over his fingers. He had the sudden urge to cool his heated face and without hesitation, he put his whole head under the running water. The cold made him gasp, but he kept his head under the water for ten seconds, before he pulled back and looked at himself in the mirror, his dark hair dripping wet. That pale man with bruises and abrasions littering his face, who stared back at him with wide eyes, looked scared.

Ward turned away disgustedly and started to dry his hair with the hand towel. This would not do. He could not walk out of here looking scared. These people were like bloodhounds, they would smell his weakness. He was a spy, for god’s sake, he could do this! He took a deep breath and centered himself, before he looked back in the mirror. Every trace of fear was gone now. His eyes looked dead. Shooting his mirror-self a minute smirk, he turned away and walked out of the bathroom.

Making up his mind in a split second, he decided not to go back to his bunk like a dog with its tail between its legs, but to get what he came here for after all. He was a spy, he could do this. And hell was he thirsty.

He paused only shortly in front of the still half-opened kitchen door and could immediately hear that Morse had joined the others and that she was presently complaining about Hunter. Ward pushed open the door and every talking stopped instantly. Morse, Skye, Simmons and Fitz were sitting around one of the six tables in the room that were arranged both on the left and the right side against the wall. He would need to pass them on his way to the fridge. Other than them, the kitchen was thankfully empty. While Simmons looked just as angry and half-scared as the last few times he had seen her, he thought he noticed a change in Skye and Fitz. True, they both had crossed their arms in front of their chests as soon as he had stepped into the room, but now that he knew what he was looking for, he thought he saw them watching him with curiosity and maybe a hint of sadness. Ward forced his gaze away from them, gritting his teeth.

Four pair of eyes carefully watched his every step as he walked towards the fridge. The way no one broke the complete silence reminded Ward of an unsettling dream he had once had as a kid. He nodded at them, forcing a smirk on his lips, before he focused again on his target, the fridge.

“Nice hoodie, Ward,” Morse suddenly commented, smirking back at him. “The eagle looks good on you.”

“Does it?” he asked, raising his eyebrows mockingly. “I always thought it looked more like a crow. Rummaging in the trash and shitting on windshields.”

He saw four pair of eyes glaring back at him. The sadness was gone from Skye’s and Fitz’ eyes. Good, let them hate him, but they should stop with the pity crap. It seemed like that went around like a contagious virus.

Ward refused the urge to pick up his pace and instead did his best to give the impression to stroll to the fridge. He opened it and took out three, no four bottles of water, then made his way back the way he had come from. Just before he reached the door, Simmons’ voice stopped him.

“You weren’t so full of yourself yesterday evening,” she forced out in a high voice that trembled slightly, “when you were wailing and whimpering and begging your father not to hit you again.”

It was a low blow and it woke all of Ward’s fight-or-flight instincts. Even the other three looked shocked. There was a small tremble in Ward’s right hand and he clenched his fist, so the others would not see. He took only one step into the direction of their table before Morse was up and pointing an ICEr at him. His mask must have slipped for her to realize how much that comment affected him.

“Walk away, Ward,” Morse commanded quietly.

“You don’t get it, do you, _Jemma_?” Ward spat, unable to hold himself back and ignoring the command. “You were daddy’s precious girl all your life and now for the first time since you were born, things don’t go your way. You hate me, yeah, I get that and I even understand it. But you’re not used to hating, because this hatred for me, it eats you up alive, leaving behind a hollow shell that barely resembles you anymore. You don’t even get that I’m not worth it, do you? You’re wasting all your anger and hatred on me. But I’m not by far your biggest problem, _Jemma_ , you got one hell of a lot more problems than me.”

“Don’t you dare painting yourself innocent!” Simmons shouted, tears of fury streaming down her face. “You tried to kill us, Ward! Because of you, Fitz suffered permanent damage!”

“Open your eyes, Simmons!” he hissed back. “Fitz is fine! He’s changed, yes, but he’s not _damaged_. You think he’s damaged because he’s not your infatuated lap dog anymore.”

“That’s enough, Ward!” Morse barked, coming closer while pointing her ICEr at him. “One more word and you wake up in your old cell. Walk. Away. Now.”

Ward gritted his teeth and backed off, taking a few steps backwards before he finally turned around and left the room quickly.

 

_-tbc-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad? I‘d love to hear your thoughts!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from the vacation! Thanks a lot for everyone being patient with me. I do hope you all like the new chapter.

Ward was still angry when he reached his bunk. With more force than necessary, he tossed his newly obtained water bottles – the only good thing that had come from his trip to the kitchen – on the bed, before he started pacing.

Simmons’ hateful comment had pretty much confirmed his worst fears. The team – probably Skye and Fitz, too – had seen him under the influence of the serum and they would use everything they had witnessed against him, whenever they wanted. Every chance of them ever allowing him back had long gone up in flames anyway, he had just been too stupid to see.

This could mean only one thing for him: As soon as he was out of here, he would disappear for good. No more calls from S.H.I.E.L.D., no more helping out. This was it. Sure, it would be hard to leave Kara behind, but since he knew that she had been the one to betray one of his most personal secrets – his missing five years with John – to Coulson, the decision to turn his back on her as well was not that hard to make.

He had no idea where to go, but he was certain he would get by. Though S.H.I.E.L.D. probably thought they had found all his secrete stashes, he was pretty sure they had missed a locker or two. Time to peel off the identity of Grant Ward. Not that there was a whole lot left to peel off anyway. It would probably be a relief to leave that fucked up life behind him. Why not rob a bank and live from the money somewhere quietly for the rest of his life? He was sure he could pull it off and there was no need to keep a clean vest. After all, he was the labelled enemy already and no one would find him anyway if he did not want to be found.

He should have cut all his ties much earlier, he knew that now. Anger at himself made him clench his hands into fists. He had always been a bit slow to realize when he was used, hadn’t he? His parents should have called him Pinocchio, for fuck’s sake! The only difference was that he was much better at lying! He gave in to his suddenly roaring temper and aimed a kick at his bed, then immediately hissed when his ribs protested. Clutching his left side, he heavily sat down on the bed and buried his head in his hands.

It took a moment or two to collect himself and regain the familiar mindset of cool self discipline, before he lifted his head and looked at the bracelet on his right wrist. Coulson had given it to him as a token of trust. If the director found the bracelet on his bed with its supposed bearer gone, there would definitely be no going back. This was the last of many bridges to burn. Then why was it so hard? Again, he had this nagging thought at the back of his mind that everything might be connected to the serum. All the more reason to get out of here and put as much distance between him and Coulson as he could..

Sighing and strengthening his resolve, he started massaging his right thumb. This would hurt. He knew it would, he had done it often enough by now. The pain would be a bitch for the days that followed. He started rotating his thumb, first slowly and carefully, then quickly putting more strength to it...

A sudden knock startled him out of his preparations. He quickly dropped his hands to his sides, just in time before the door opened and Coulson and Kara stepped in.

“I heard you caused trouble already,” Coulson sighed instead of a greeting.

The director’s voice was full with disappointment, waking in Ward the urge to wince and apologize. However, he steeled himself against the impulse, while he monitored his own reactions to Coulson minutely. A part of him was definitely beckoning him to follow Coulson and do as he wished. It was disgusting. Suppressing a shudder, Ward wondered if there would be any repercussions from the serum if he refused to give in to the impulse.

“I was verbally attacked by your people,” Ward replied evenly, giving no outward reaction of his internal battle. “They shouldn’t goad me if they can’t face the consequences.”

“It would probably be better to just confine you to this room,” Coulson pointed out with raised eyebrows.

Ward snorted, then said, “Or you could just let me go and save yourself a lot of trouble.”

“Grant,” Kara now butted in, looking at him out of big eyes that shone imploringly. “Just a few hours ago you were completely out of it and didn’t realize what was going on around you. I’m very glad you’re better now, but let’s not rush things.”

The sincerity in her eyes felt like a stab to his heart. How could she look so innocent and well-meaning while she had been the one to betray his most well-kept secret? He had relied on her having his best interest at heart – just as he had put what was best for her first in the last few months – but he realized now that his faith in her had been misplaced. John had been right after all. Don’t trust anyone.

“I’m glad you had my back while I was down,” Ward told her with biting sarcasm, then turned away from her when her eyes filled with confusion and pain. Yeah, he was hurting her, he knew, but right now, he did not care. He was already quite in the mood for burning bridges, so no point in getting squeamish now.

Coulson’s shrewd gaze followed his interaction with Kara closely, Ward knew, but he could not bring himself to care.

“Ward,” the director began slowly, “it’s just for another few hours. I want you to stay away from the team for the time being. Please don’t make me regret my decision.”

Coulson gave him another long look and Ward was hard-pressed not to shy away from what he saw in the other’s gaze before the director left him alone with Kara.

“What?” she asked as soon as the door fell shut, her eyes glistening treacherously. “Could you please tell me what’s going on?”

“You don’t know?” he asked, smirking acerbically. “Then think harder.”

“Oh, maybe you mean the hours I sat at your bedside, watching over you?” Kara now bit back, anger starting to heat her voice. “Or is it my struggle to get you the right treatment and to calm you down when you got agitated? You tell me, I might have some trouble remembering.”

The sarcasm in Kara’s voice was heavy and one part of Ward was actually happy with the way she was defending herself. She had grown quite attached to him during their months together, so much that he had feared she would become too dependent on him. Leaving her with Coulson had been the first step to let her lead a life on her own, away from him.

However, the part of him being angry with her was much stronger and eventually he growled at her, “You told Coulson about how Garrett broke me out of juvie. You had no right, that wasn’t your secret to tell!”

Kara had the gall to appear stunned at first, and then actually look slightly chastened. “Grant, you need to understand...”

“No, I don’t,” he interrupted harshly. “Can’t you see what you did? You gave them a weapon against me and they’ll use it.”

“I told Coulson that confidentially,” she began anew, but again, Ward did not let her finish her sentence.

“Yeah, and Coulson told Skye confidentially and Skye told Fitz and Simmons confidentially and by the end of the day, the whole base knows. Confidentially, of course. But know what? It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have told you in the first place. I shouldn’t have trusted you.”

Kara winced in pain at his words, then hissed at him, “Don’t you dare shutting me up like this without giving me the opportunity to speak.”

Ward snorted, but mentioned for her to keep speaking.

“Coulson needed to understand,” she began, looking at him imploringly. “You were in really bad shape and you rambled on about John for hours. Coulson asked me if I knew what all of it meant. I thought that if they knew about how young you were when you first met Garrett and if they could understand that you were in a very tight spot back then, they might...”

“They might what?” Ward spat, unable to keep himself from interrupting her again. Her words and the woeful tone she had adopted made him livid. “Invite me back with open arms? _Poor Ward, he was so young when he fell under Garrett’s spell, why not forgive and forget everything he’s done?_ I made my own decisions, Kara! Always! Even back then. This doesn’t change anything, for anyone! Except that they might use my past as a weapon against me!”

“Why do you think your past might be used against you then?” Kara asked carefully, calm in the face of his anger. “If you always made your own decisions and you always were on top of what was going on with you, why should it matter so much that the others know about it? Honestly, to me it seems like you’re ashamed of how completely you were at Garrett’s mercy. You’re afraid you might seem weak.”

The blood roared in Ward’s ears and it was all he could do to force out in a dead whisper, “Get out, Kara. Now.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, sadness tinging her voice. Before she opened the door, she told him evenly, “I’m glad you’re feeling better. And I never intended to hurt you.”

He refused to meet her gaze and stared to the ground, waiting until he heard his door fall shut.

As soon as he was alone again, he set to work. He was still so worked up that he did not hold back and one forceful push later, his thumb snapped out of its joint with a crack. The pain was intense, but it was not by far enough to stop him from slipping off the bracelet. Another deep breath, and he reset his thumb back in its original position. The bracelet now lay in his hands, the metal cool against his fingers. He put it under the pillow of his bed, before he went to the door.

There was one more thing he needed to do before he left this place and all things S.H.I.E.L.D. for good. If he was really brainwashed already and the serum was responsible for that, he needed to know about it and how to cure it, since it was too dangerous to leave himself open to outward influences like that. Luckily enough, all the information he needed was here on the Playground. All he had to do was go and ask nicely. Or maybe not so nicely, after what had been done to him.

Leaving his bunk, Ward slowly crept down the hallway in the direction of the vaults. He made sure no one saw him as he slipped down the stairs to the vaults. The first two cells, A and B, were empty, but he finally found what he was looking for in vault C. It took him a few seconds to shut off the surveillance camera before he took a look inside the cell with the help of the tablet in his hands. From this side of the power barrier, things did not seem nearly as bleak as from the other side.

Bates and his wife were sitting on their beds. The cell was separated by another transparent wall, so that each of them had half a cell without the possibility to touch or communicate with each other. Ward could see the advantage of it. They could be interrogated separately or together, whatever suited the interrogator best. He chose to let them see and hear each other and him at the same time. Tapping in a command, he let the wall turn transparent.

“Good evening,” he greeted them evenly, enjoying the slack-jawed stare of the scientist and the glare of the Hydra leader. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Did you come to gloat, traitor?” Bates spat, rising from the bed and coming closer to the power barrier.

Ward could not quite shake off the irony that he was as much a traitor in Hydra’s as in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s eyes. The pleasures of being a double agent!

“Yep,” he replied nonchalantly. “Gloating is certainly part of it. Not the whole story, though, I’m afraid.”

“You’re doing Coulson’s dirty work again?” Bates sneered. “Aren’t you tired of being everyone’s attack dog?”

Ward gave him a wolfish grin. “Funny, that’s exactly why I’m here.”

Without warning, he deactivated the power barrier on Bates’ side and moved into the cell quickly. He landed a solid punch in the Hydra leader’s face and just a few moments and a short struggle later, he stood behind Bates and had the other man in a choke-hold. His forearm pressed mercilessly against the Hydra leader’s windpipe, effectively cutting off the other man’s ability to breathe. Bates stopped struggling and Ward’s broken ribs and maltreated thumb thanked him for it. Yes, he was not in perfect shape, but even battered, he was still stronger and faster than Bates, especially when he had the element of surprise on his side.

“Leave him alone!” Bates’ wife screamed from the other side of the cell, unable to do more than stand anxiously behind her side of the power barrier.

“I had hoped you’d show some kind of emotion towards your husband, Maggie,” Ward commented coldly, while enjoying the wheezing sounds coming from Bates. “Because this wouldn’t work otherwise. My questions, dear Maggie, are actually for you. So I hope you can give me good answers or I’ll snap his neck.”

The scientist bit her lips and glared at him out of her mousy face, but finally gave a single nod.

“Good,” Ward said. “Let’s start easy: What is in the serum that you gave me?”

She hesitated, lips trembling, but finally started to ramble off the Latin names of different chemical and biological components that he was in no way familiar with. This was Simmons’ special field, to him it all sounded pretty much like Chinese!

“Stop!” he barked, twisting Bates’ neck painfully so the other man gave a pained moan. “This isn’t helping. Let me rephrase the question: What are the symptoms of the serum? What is it supposed to do?”

The scientist stared at him out of wide eyes, then started stuttering, “You took it... you should know...”

“Wrong answer,” Ward replied, twisting Bates’ neck some more and making the other man whimper and struggle for breath.

“Alright, alright!” she screamed, holding up her hands in a placating manner. “I told you already, the serum evokes hallucinations and makes the test subject mentally unstable. It’s supposed to break down any resistance to make the test subject more receptive to the brainwashing process.”

“You’re lying!” he spat in reply.

“I’m not,” the scientist denied with a frown that suddenly turned a tad more inquisitive. “Why? What did you experience?”

“You don’t get to ask questions,” he barked. “How is the brainwashing done?”

She sighed, then answered slowly, “The old way. Visual and sensual inputs. Repeated orders. It’s a form of hypnosis.”

“So the serum has nothing to do with the brainwashing itself?” he asked sharply, just to make sure. Bates was starting to struggle some more for air, but he continued to press roughly against the other man’s windpipe. He did not care if he did some serious harm to Bates’ larynx.

“No!” the scientist replied forcefully, looking at her husband with fear in her eyes. “I told you already, the serum just facilitates the brainwashing, it doesn’t act as an actual part of the process.”

The answer was not exactly what Ward had wanted to hear. She did not look as if she was lying. She was obviously untrained as an agent and she was truly worried about her husband. The answers she gave rang true. Still, he could not accept them. He _knew_ what he had experienced and it awfully felt like someone urged him to follow orders.

“How long do the effects of the serum last?” he asked more calmly, refusing to openly state his concern to her.

“Fifteen to twenty hours maximum,” she replied and watched him intently. “It should’ve worn off by now in your case.”

“I do hope you told me the truth,” he warned her, then played momentarily with the idea of killing Bates anyway. The Hydra leader would have certainly deserved it and it was not like another kill on his part would make any difference. He would be out of here anyway in maybe fifteen minutes and the fight between S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra was none of his concerns anymore. And it _would_ feel good, to kill the bastard for the hours of agony he had gone through. Ward pulled the other man’s neck so far to the side that only a slight twitch of his hand would have been enough to snap Bates’ neck and left him suspended like that for a minute.

Then, finally, he relaxed his grip on Bates and gave him a push that sent the other man to the ground. Without hesitation, Ward buried his foot once in the ribs of the Hydra leader and made him howl in pain, then turned around and stepped over the line on the ground. He tapped a few orders in the tablet to reactivate the power barrier and make the wall go opaque. Without another look back, he walked up the stairs.

Yes, John had made him a killer, but this did not mean he was bloodthirsty. He had killed when ordered or forced to do so, but never out of revenge. It was not like this was a good time to change his pattern.

As soon as he was back up in the hallway, his instincts sounded alarm. The hallway still looked deserted, but a tingling feeling in the back of his mind told him he was being followed. He tilted his head slightly to the side before he walked around the corner and noticed the hint of a shadow following him. He came to an abrupt halt just around the corner of the hallway and waited until he heard light footsteps. Another seconds or two later someone walked right in his arms and he tackled his follower to the wall in a quick move. He blocked a punch to his face and a kick that was supposed to go to his groin out of reflex, before he even realized who he had pressed up and immobilized against the wall.

It was Skye. She glowered at him from under her bangs, but at least she had stopped struggling.

“Let me go!” she hissed at him.

He quickly searched her and found an ICEr on her that he immediately stuffed into the back of his pants, before he let her go. She ripped herself away from him and crossed her arms over her chest, but otherwise made no move to either call for help or flee.

“You shouldn’t follow me,” he finally told her, making an effort to sound calm and unthreatening. Yeah, sure, he had violated pretty much every rule Coulson had set, but at least he had made no move whatsoever to hurt the team. And he was on his way out, so he had some hope he would just be released without having to put up a fight.

“Yeah, like it’s so very reassuring to see you walking around the base freely, with no bracelet on,” she pointed out sarcastically. “Who knows what you’re up to. There are some more Koenig brothers walking around on the base, I was kind of afraid for their safety.”

“This is _not_ what this is about,” Ward replied, already noticing first strands of frustration bleeding into his voice. What was it with this woman? She always managed to get under his skin. Yes, he had let himself appear more uptight und rigid during his time undercover with the team, but his exasperation towards Skye had _never_ been an act. Just as his feelings for her had never been part of his role.

“Yeah?” she snarked. “You felt like taking a walk and getting rid of the bracelet? No, I know you were down in the vaults. Thing just is that Coulson didn’t allow anyone access beside himself.”

“It was personal,” Ward replied stonily.

“Personal?” Skye asked with a disbelieving laugh. “I thought you didn’t do _personal_.”

And just as quickly came the urge to massage his temples.

“Look, it’s none of your business,” he told her and tried to walk away, when her voice stopped him.

“Why do you think you were brainwashed?”

The question froze his movements and he turned around to see her watching him expectantly.

“You listened in?” he asked her, a hint of incredulity creeping into his voice,

“Don’t act so scandalized, it’s not like you had any permission to be down there,” Skye replied nonchalantly and rolled her eyes. “And you know I’ve been a hacker before I became an agent. Just turning off a camera isn’t going to keep me out.” She paused, then asked again, “Why did you ask them about brainwashing? When I found you back in the Hydra lab, you seemed rather sure they hadn’t brainwashed you. You don’t sound so sure right now.”

Ward wordlessly shook his head and turned around again to walk in the direction of the hangar and the exit.

“You know,” Skye continued, “Coulson isn’t going to just let you walk out of here. Every exit is blocked. He awaits you in his office.”

Ward practically felt his shoulders slump and his resistance crumble. Okay, maybe he had been a tiny little bit optimistic when he had thought he could walk out of here unhindered.

Sighing, he turned around and gave Skye a long look. He could maybe make a run for it. But he was pretty sure he would not get very far. And there was something in Skye’s stance and face that made him hesitant. Sure, she still had her arms crossed in front of her chest, but she seemed not as tense as she had usually been around him in the last few weeks. Her beautiful brown eyes shone almost hopefully and she had her head cocked expectantly to the side.

When he gave her a small nod and mentioned for her to lead the way to Coulson’s office, she even gave him a small smile.

 

_-tbc-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the support, I’m so happy to see that people are still following and reviewing this story! Just know that you are a huge part of the reason that makes me stay inside in the middle of summer and write this story.

“Give me the ICEr,” Coulson demanded stonily and stretched out his hand as soon as Ward entered his office, Skye trailing behind him.

Ward complied wordlessly and reached into the back of his pants to hand over the weapon he had taken from Skye.

“Sit,” the director ordered, a deep frown etched into his forehead.

Again, Ward silently obeyed and sat into the chair that faced Coulson’s desk. Out of the corner of his eyes he noticed that Skye had remained standing next to the door, her posture resembling a soldier who stood at attention. If the Skye from a year ago could have caught a glimpse of this version of herself, she would have gasped in disbelief.

Coulson reached into his pocket and pulled out the metallic bracelet that Ward had peeled off about half an hour ago. “You got it off.”

Ward nodded, then replied quietly, “I told you I could.”

The oppressive silence that followed made him deeply uneasy. This was it. Coulson would definitely put him back in Vault D. He could not shake the feeling that he had messed up – again – and he knew that punishment followed disappointment. The thought made him want to cower instinctively... just before he realized that it was happening again. As soon as he was in Coulson’s presence, he yearned for the other man’s guidance. It also explained why he had crumbled so fast when Skye had encountered him in the hallway and had told him that Coulson awaited him in his office. Damn, he was a specialist, on every other occasion, he would have fought his way out!

Ward minutely shook his head to himself. It meant that Bates’ wife had lied. Right into his face. Something was still messing with his mind and what else could it be than the serum?

“Yes, you told me you could get rid of it,” the director confirmed long-sufferingly, “but I also told you that I trusted you to keep it on your wrist. You broke my trust. You went down to the vaults to interrogate the inmates and injure one of them.”

“Yes,” Ward replied almost tonelessly, quelling the voice in him that wanted to point out that it was only fair after what had been done to him by the Bates. Instead, he added, slightly awkwardly, “I didn’t kill either of them, though.”

The corners of Coulson’s mouth quirked up, then the director said, “Yeah, I noticed. I knew you were down there, Skye rebooted the surveillance system only moments after you shut it down. We could’ve pulled you out in a matter of seconds. But I wanted to see what you were doing down there. And I believed you wouldn’t kill them. Though I have to admit you had me holding my breath for a moment there.”

So this had been some kind of test, Ward realized. Thing just was he had no idea if he had passed or not.

“I’m however still wondering what you were doing down there,” Coulson continued when Ward remained silent. “You were asking them about the serum and about the brainwashing. I’m not sure why you felt the need to ask them that. Our doctors already confirmed you weren’t brainwashed.”

Ward could not hold back a snort. As if he would ever again put trust in something S.H.I.E.L.D. said or did! He was after all the one affected and he was pretty sure that Hydra had some new techniques that S.H.I.E.L.D. was unaware of. So no surprise there if the doctors had detected nothing.

“Ward?” Coulson prompted with raised eyebrows. “You’re hiding something.”

“Yeah?” Ward replied with a smirk. “Guess what? I’m hiding many things. But I have to give you that, director, you’re not as clueless as you used to be. You didn’t suspect a thing back then when I was a sleeper agent right under your nose.”

He could practically _feel_ Skye bristling behind his back and for a moment or two he thought he felt his chair shake slightly. But maybe that was just his imagination.

Coulson sighed and gave him a long look. “So you’re back to being hostile. Honestly, I thought we got past that stage some time ago.”

“I’ll stop being hostile as soon as I can be sure I won’t end up back in Vault D at the end of the day,” Ward shot back, voicing one of his present fears. Even thinking of going back to his old cell made him shudder. The hallucinations and the worst effects of the serum might have passed, but he would definitely start fighting if they threatened to lock him up again.

“Have you ever thought that maybe your own actions put you in that cell?” Coulson asked with a frown, irritation now bleeding into his voice.

A short bark of laughter escaped Ward’s lips, before he replied scathingly, “You mean like getting caught and tortured by Hydra during one of _your_ missions? I guess I really need to sit down and think about my recent actions.”

This shut up Coulson for a moment and made the director bite his lips. Good. Ward savored the short triumph and let the silence stretch.

“Look,” Coulson started slowly and hesitantly after the long silence. “I confess that it was uncalled for and generally a bad idea to put you back in Vault D, especially since you were still under the influence of the serum. It was wrong of me to send you to your old cell and I apologize for that.”

An apology? From Coulson? Ward could not help but gape at the director. It was almost scary how much that notion threw him. He even forgot the snarky reply that had been sitting on his tongue.

Coulson looked at him expectantly, then asked, “Will you accept my apology?”

And just like that, Ward was completely out of his depth. What should he do? What was he even _supposed_ to do? He could not remember that anyone had ever apologized to him, apart from a muttered ‘sorry’ in training from a fellow specialist every once in a while when he had accidentally got the other’s elbow in his face.

Blinking rapidly, Ward finally replied hesitantly, “I guess so. I won’t forget you put me down there again, though.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Coulson reassured him with a slight smile.

A sudden thought struck Ward and he could not help but peer at the director suspiciously, “If you’re expecting an apology from me in return, for beating up Bates, you won’t get one. I won’t apologize for that.”

“It’s not why I apologized,” Coulson replied, face carefully blank. “Still, you had no right to be down there and I want to know what you were hoping to achieve.”

Ward stared to the ground and stubbornly kept his mouth shut.

After a while, Coulson sighed softly, then motioned to Skye. “Play the record.”

The feed of the surveillance camera appeared on a large screen. Ward kept his eyes on the ground, the full five minutes of the tape. He could hear himself asking the questions and Bates’ wife answering. The feed ended and without saying anything, Coulson replayed it. The third time around, Ward found himself grinding his teeth.

“I can truly find no other explanation,” the director started slowly after he had finally stopped the feed, “than that you think that you’re still under the influence of the serum and that the drug itself is causing some form of brainwashing. Why would you believe that? According to Maggie Bates, the serum should’ve worn off by now.”

Ward just ground his teeth harder and turned his head slightly to shoot a fleeting look at Skye out of the corner of his eyes.

“Would you leave us alone for a moment, Skye?” Coulson instantly requested, interpreting Ward’s look in a way that was scarily accurate. It made Ward swallow quite heavily. Somehow he had a feeling that it would be much harder to hold up his silence when Skye was gone from the room.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she replied frowningly.

“I wasn’t asking for your opinion,” Coulson said evenly, but without any reproach in his voice. “It’s an order. Leave us, but stay close.”

“As you wish,” Skye answered with mock submissiveness, but at least she left the room quickly enough.

The silence that followed her exit was oppressive. Not a minute after Ward was left alone with Coulson, he suddenly found himself beginning to sweat. He could barely prevent himself from tapping his left foot nervously and he took great care to keep his eyes on the floor. There was no way he could risk looking at Coulson, it would make him melt quicker than ice cream on a hot summer day. There would be disappointment on Coulson’s face, expectance and maybe the beginnings of worry... God, someone had to let him out of here!

Instead of shooting to his feet – which would probably have been the better idea – Ward finally broke the silence and requested quietly, “I want another blood test.”

Since his gaze was still rigidly fixed to the floor, Ward could not see the expression on Coulson’s face. But he could easily hear the concern in the other’s voice.

“Okay. I’ll have Hunter draw another blood sample, to make sure that the serum is out of your system. I get that all of this was a terrible ordeal for you and I really want to help you put everything behind you.”

Silence stretched again and Ward found himself wound up so tightly, he was ready to spring up at any moment. Like a hare, ducking itself into the ground when the harvester came closer, but at the same time prepared to flee in a split second. Thing just was that he must not miss his opportunity to run, or he would be shredded into pieces.

Even with his gaze still on the ground, Ward felt Coulson’s eyes on him, intent and analyzing. And just like that, the director asked carefully neutral, “It’s me, isn’t it? You’re afraid the serum makes you compliant to me.”

Ward tore his gaze away from the floor and stared at the director in shock. There went his opportunity to flee. How _the fuck_ did Coulson know?

The question must have spelt clearly on Ward’s face, because Coulson smiled ruefully and explained, “You made some huge effort to keep up your hostile front, but you acted differently around me since you woke up. Very cautious. And there aren’t too many other people around that could make you suspect you were brainwashed. You definitely didn’t show any signs of being compliant to the Bates.”

Nothing held Ward in his chair any longer and he sprang up to pace the length of the office. Coulson let him and just followed his movements with a carefully neutral expression. No chance to decipher that expression. Ward in turn realized that he let his agitation show and that the director was able to read him like an open book. There was sweat on his forehead and he could not quite suppress the trembling of his hands, even though he started to ball them into fists. What should he do? There seemed no point in denying everything and at the same time, he did not feel like sharing his thoughts and fears with Coulson.

“Don’t tell the team,” Ward finally choked out, fixing the director with a long stare. “I mean it. Not like telling Skye confidentially.”

Coulson raised his eyebrows slightly, but then nodded. “Okay. Look, we’ll find out if something is controlling your mind and there’s certainly a way to reverse that. Until then, I have some terms for you as well. Since you can’t be trusted to walk around the base alone and with only a few restrictions, I’ll have someone accompany you all the time until you leave. When you’re in your bunk, the door will be locked.” The director pressed on a button on his desk, then spoke clearly, “Skye? Come back in.”

The door opened immediately and the female agent stepped back into the room.

“Skye?” Ward asked Coulson with disbelief. “Really?”

The director quickly explained the task to his female agent, then turned back to Ward. “Now with her powers, I have no doubt that she’ll be able to keep you in check, should you get any funny ideas.”

“You realize I disarmed her only half an hour ago, on the hallway?” Ward questioned with raised eyebrows.

Skye glared at him in reply, then explained angrily, “You surprised me! Had I allowed my first reaction, slamming you into the wall, I would’ve broken each and every one of your bones.”

Ward snorted, then asked sarcastically, “So this is your subtle way of telling me you still care about me?”

“It’s my subtle way of not killing people if it’s not necessary, asshole,” Skye hissed.

“Alright, enough,” Coulson commanded, already sounding tired and shooting both of them a warning look. “Be nice to each other. No shouting or fighting in the hallway, okay?”

“Yes, dad,” Skye relented mockingly, rolling her eyes. “I will put him down if he tries anything, though.”

“ICErs only,” Coulson ordered sternly and pressed the weapon Ward had taken off her back into her hands.

“Great, and what will _I_ do if she goes rampant on _me_?” Ward asked with crossed arms.

“Try being nice to her for a change,” Coulson suggested with a slight smile. “Don’t goad her and try to keep the most infuriating comments to yourself.”

Ward sighed, then murmured, “It’s going to be a long night.”

“Yes, that’s the comments I meant,” Coulson pointed out with a frown, before he turned to Skye. “Ward needs another blood test. Go find Hunter and have him draw a blood sample. And maybe have him put some ice on that thumb.”

Only now, Ward realized that his right thumb was very swollen and just looking at it woke the pain in his hand. Up until now, he had safely stored away his physical discomfort because he had been on a personal mission and had needed all his concentration, but directing his attention at his body made him suddenly ache all over.

They were dismissed from the office and Skye kept her icy silence while Ward trod tiredly after her on their search for Hunter. They finally found him in one of the common rooms, drinking beer with Morse and the big guy, Mack.

Ward followed Skye into the room, but stopped right next to the door and leaned against the wall, while she made her way over to her friends. However, his presence was enough to bring the easy conversation to a sudden silence. Seemed like this was the role he would play on this base for the time being: killer of friendly chats.

“Very nice, Skye, you brought the fun to the party,” Hunter commented sarcastically, eyeing Ward with a frown.

“I’m here on Coulson’s orders,” Skye explained long-sufferingly. “You need to come with us to the med bay. Coulson wants some more of _his_ blood.”

“You know I had about...” Hunter began, weighing the bottle in in his hand, “...five beers in the last one and a half hours.”

“Six,” Morse piped up, receiving a snicker from Mack.

“Six,” Hunter corrected himself. “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“I can draw my own blood,” Ward finally offered. “Just give me a needle.”

“You heard the man!” Hunter exclaimed with a shrug. “He can do it all by himself.”

“Get your ass down to the med bay, Hunter,” Skye hissed. “Coulson chose you for the job.”

“Alright, alright,” the former mercenary relented, climbing to his feet. “I’ll come. Geez, you turn more and more into Coulson’s little soldier, Skye. What happened to the rebel in you?”

Before he could stop himself, Ward piped in, “That rebel went to Coulson’s summer camp with the motto ‘Listen and Comply’.”

Their reaction was instant and unanimous.

“Shut up, Ward!” both Skye and Hunter snapped at him.

Ward raised his hands defensively and made an effort to keep his mouth shut while Hunter and Skye bickered some more. It was nothing more than some friendly arguing and Ward suddenly found himself aching when thinking back to the time he had been included in the team’s antics. It felt like a lifetime ago.

They went down to the med bay and Ward could not help but marvel at the steadiness of Hunter’s hands despite the other man’s inebriation. In complete silence, the former mercenary drew a blood sample while Skye watched them cautiously.

Hunter only broke his silence – which told Ward that the former mercenary had not yet quite forgiven him for being gruff earlier on – when his eyes landed on Ward’s swollen thumb.

“Ah, now this makes sense,” Hunter drawled, rotating the injured thumb and making Ward bite his lips in pain. “To be honest, when you said you could get off the bracelet, I had actually hoped for something niftier than just ripping your thumb out of its joint. Well, but then again, I guess that’s just as effective.”

Ward gave the other man a small smile that – to his annoyance – bordered on gratefulness for the silence finally being broken, before he replied quietly, “Sorry to disappoint.”

Hunter flashed him a smirk of his own, then replied, “Yeah, I guess self-mangling doesn’t get you any style points, but I got to admit you receive some points for self-discipline.” The former mercenary felt around the swollen joint for a moment or two longer, before he looked around searchingly. “Skye, could you get me some ice from the freezer over there?”

The female agent went over to look into the box, but straightened back up with empty hands. “There’s no ice left.”

“How many times did I tell you to refill the box?” Hunter asked, rolling his eyes. “I know you have some serious training with both May and Bobbi that requires all kinds of cooling body parts, but please refill it afterwards.”

Skye snorted, then shot back, “Yeah, like you using the ice for your whiskey isn’t the main reason for the freezer being empty all the time.”

“Have you ever tried drinking warm whiskey?” Hunter replied with raised eyebrows, making a show to appear mortified. “That’s a completely valid reason for using the ice. Well, stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.”

With that, the former mercenary left Ward and Skye alone in the med bay. The silence – as it usually was these days between the two of them – was oppressive. They used to be close, but now, the gap of hurt and betrayal between them felt like an insurmountable ravine. And just like that, Ward decided he had enough of it.

“So,” he began slowly and cautiously, making sure to sound earnest and sincere, “you’re training with both May and Morse?”

Skye lifted her gaze from where she had stubbornly stared to the ground and gave him a slightly suspicious look.

“Fishing for information won’t work with me,” she replied with narrowed eyes.

Ward sighed. “This is not what this is about. I’m genuinely interested in your training, since... well... you know... I used to be your SO. You were my rookie. And you made some huge progress while I was... you know... away.”

Okay, his words had come out a stuttering mess and not at all the way he had intended. Ward could have hit himself. This was exactly why he felt much more comfortable using a cover than being in his own skin.

Skye stared at him in disbelief, then forcefully exhaled what sounded like something between a snort and a laugh. “Wow... Seriously? _Away_? You make it sound like you were on a sabbatical. You were _imprisoned_ , Ward, for some horrible crimes, in case you forgot.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” he replied, unable to hold back on his bitterness. “And I wouldn’t forget even if every single person on this base wouldn’t constantly rub that fact in my face whenever I try to talk to somebody. It’s not my fault Coulson thought it a great idea to make me stay here and force me to constantly cross your path. If I could, I’d be out of here already and not harass you anymore with my presence, which seems to be such a burden for everyone around here.”

Skye did not answer immediately, but lowered her gaze back to the ground, evading his gaze. It was easy to see that she made an effort to keep up an impenetrable mask, but Ward thought he could still see her flexing her hands slightly.

After another few moments of silence, she finally lifted her eyes back up to him and said in a neutral tone, “Yeah, I train with May and Bobbi. They are both great teachers and since their fighting style is very different, May thought I’d learn a lot more if I could train with Bobbi every once in a while. She has a lot of experience and she always has some advice ready.”

Ward found himself nodding gingerly at Skye’s reply. There was no way he would miss the way she had steered clear of having to reply to what he told her about being forced to stay on the Playground, but at the same time, her answering him about her training felt a bit like a peace offering.

“That sounds great,” he replied, giving a small smile. “Morse has some real skill and she’s a topnotch agent. And May is practically unbeatable anyway. It’s very important to have a good teacher. Yeah, or even better: Teachers, plural. May has a point to let others in on your training. Doesn’t make you too dependent on just one person.”

Skye nodded faintly, but at the same time he could see her biting her lips all of a sudden. She shifted her feet slightly, then finally pulled herself together and looked him right into the eyes.

“I wanted to ask you something,” she began and Ward had the uneasy feeling he knew where this was going. “About Garrett. Is it true that you met him when you were only fifteen years old?”

And there it was. The question he would have gladly avoided for the rest of his life. He had to be honest and admit he had steered himself into this unsafe territory and practically invited the question. He also felt like there was no point in pretending he did not know what she was asking or trying to sidetrack her with asking where she got that information from.

“Yes,” Ward finally answered honestly, voice steady. “He broke me out of juvie, gave me a perspective, made me who I am today. I thought I owed him everything.” He paused and gathered his thoughts and just when he had made up his mind to tell her that he had been wrong in following Garrett completely and that he knew that now, Hunter came back.

“Hey guys!” the former mercenary began talking as soon as he was in the med bay, carrying a bag with him. “Guess what? The freezer in the common room has run out of ice, too. We need to talk to Coulson about this, I...”

Hunter eventually cut himself off as he seemed to realize the tension in the room. “Did I interrupt something?”

Ward gazed at Skye and he thought she looked honestly disappointed that their discussion was over. It seemed like she had truly wanted to hear him out and just this fact alone made him suddenly feel a bit more at peace with the world and himself.

“No, it’s fine,” Skye replied and there was a softness in her voice that Ward had not heard in a long while. “We were just wondering if you somehow got lost in the maze that is the Playground.”

“As I said,” Hunter replied long-sufferingly. “No ice. But you know what can be used as a cooling element, too?” Pausing, he pulled out three beers out of the bag he carried with him and first handed one over to Skye. “For medical purpose, of course,” he added with a wink as he gave Ward one of the cold bottles.

Ward gave Hunter a rare honest smile in return and actually cooled his thumb with it, before he clinked bottles with the other two and took a long sip.

The cold beer was a godsend. So were the smiles and friendly expressions on the faces of both Hunter and Skye.

 

_-tbc-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Good? Bad? What did you think about the scene between Ward and Skye? Too much too soon? 
> 
> I talked already about my love for the Hunter-Ward bromance, so let me tell you that I have envisioned them drinking together for ages now, but could never fit that scene in any of my stories. Haha, yes, finally! *fistpump*


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m so sorry for the long delay in posting this final (!) chapter. My inspiration and motivation to finish this story left me for a short while there and I’m quite proud I finally managed to finish this baby. I might not have finished the fic without the constant support and nagging (:-D in a good way!) of icewitch73 and Wolf’s Edge on ff.net. You are great, thanks a lot for this, I needed the kick in the ass every once in a while. *lol*
> 
> I hope you enjoy this last chapter. Thanks for reading.

A knock on his bunk door woke Ward from a restful sleep.

He sat up quickly, shaking off any remaining bleariness in a split second and bringing himself to alertness with a swiftness born from a lifetime of practice. A quick look at the built-in alarm clock on the wall confirmed that it was morning already, but what had him taking a double look at the glowing digits was the realization that he had overslept. It was 7 o’clock. He always rose at 5.30, not even his time in Vault D had made him break that habit. What the hell had happened? Yeah, he had gone to bed rather late last night after drinking beer with Skye and Hunter and it had been the best evening he had had in ages, but that was hardly an excuse, right?

Another knock got him out of bed swiftly. He opened the door and came face to face with Skye. The frown of impatience on her forehead slowly evened out as her eyes darted up and down his body quickly, taking in his rumpled appearance. The slight uptick of her lips and the mischievous glint in her eyes did not bode well for him.

“Oh. My. God,” she drawled, making a show to appear scandalized. “I woke you up. Never thought I’d see the day I’d be up earlier than you. Or was the early-bird-catches-the-worm-routine part of your cover as well? That would’ve been truly _evil_ of you.”

There was still a slight barb to her words, but Ward was not inattentive enough to miss that her words meant basically one thing: after a nice yesterday evening, they were not back to square one in the morning. Skye had decided to continue to treat him like a human being and not like a monster. And he was very grateful for that. Which is why he decided to play along and roll his eyes at her.

“Very funny,” he replied steadily. “Never thought I’d see you up and functioning before twelve o’clock, especially without no one at your side making sure you’re not crawling back into your bunk again. Did May kick you out of bed? I must ask her for tips later.”

“Don’t,” Skye warned, scrunching up her nose and turning a tad more serious. “I don’t think she’s ready to be civil around you yet. No need to add more black and blue to that already battered face of yours.”

Ward winced a bit in reply. Yep, he definitely had enough scrapes and bruises to show for the next few weeks.

“But you are?” he asked hesitantly, after a short silence. “Ready to be civil around me, I mean.”

Skye thought for a moment that seemed rather long in his opinion, but she finally nodded her head. “I guess I am, yeah.”

Ward gave a nod at that. It seemed a small gesture, especially since that answer made his heart pick up its speed and suddenly painted his world in brighter colors. Still, a nod had to be enough right now.

Clearing her throat, Skye motioned with her head over her shoulder and said, “Come on, you got five minutes to shower, then Coulson wants to talk to you.”

Nodding again, he let himself be accompanied to the showers and then to Coulson’s office. Her attendance felt friendly enough and he almost let himself forget what her constant presence at his side actually meant: it was nothing else than supervision. Still, despite that knowledge, he found himself enjoying her company and he suddenly knew with a pang that he would miss her as soon as he was out of this base. Whatever he had felt for her, it was not completely gone.

He let himself get so distracted with the what-could-have-beens that he only found himself wondering about what Coulson wanted from him when he was entering the director’s office. Bad form, really bad form.

An unfamiliar man stood to Coulson’s right. Middle-aged, rather tall, dark-skinned, wearing a light blue dress shirt with the two top buttons left open casually. No tie and there was a pen in his breast pocket. Soft hands, so no field agent. Intelligent eyes that scrutinized him with practice and skill and something that Ward had a hard time to put his finger on. Professional kindness? Yeah, that might just be it.

Ward narrowed his eyes at the other man and then turned his attention to Coulson.

“A shrink? Really?” he threw at the director, aiming for a flippant tone so the others would not notice his underlying uneasiness and uncertainty at this unforeseen development. “Is this some kind of hidden camera joke?”

Coulson exchanged a glance with the dark-skinned man and then said to the other with a quiet sigh, “I told you he is good. And difficult.”

“I can see that,” the dark-skinned man muttered back.

“Ward,” Coulson said, “this is Dr. Andrew Garner. He is a forensic psychologist, the best there is. I worked with him for many years now and there is no one I trust more in this.”

Ward kept his expression blank because he could already feel the shrink’s probing eyes on him. “Yeah? What’s ‘ _this_ ’ then? Because I’m rather sure I have no idea why you brought him here.”

“As I understand, Mister Ward,” Garner started to explain, fixing Ward with a steady gaze, “you recently suffered from the effects of a powerful mind drug which made you relive some traumatic events from the past.”

Ward stared at the other man and though he was tempted to snarl at Garner, he kept his voice completely emotionless when he replied, “This is none of your concern, doc.”

“Ward,” Skye now butted in, looking up at him with imploring eyes. “Andrew is a good man and one of the best at what he does. Look, he helped me when I struggled with my powers and I wasn’t too thrilled to see a psychologist either, but I never regretted it. He only wants to help you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m happy seeing a shrink worked for you,” Ward replied and could not quite keep the scorn out of his voice. “But know what? I don’t need his help.”

What the hell was going on? Why was Skye trying to convince him to let anyone mess with his head? Had it all been a ruse? Had Coulson ordered Skye to be nice to him in order to mellow his resistance so that he could eventually be talked into spilling his heart out to a fucking shrink? He hated to be played and he could not quite shake the feeling that he was used as a pawn in a much bigger game once again. The tentative trust he had built back up when it came to his old team vanished very quickly into thin air.

Ward glowered at the director, being unable to keep his anger completely in check, then snapped, “This is _not_ part of our agreement, Coulson. You promised to let me go. I’m fine now, so let me walk. Or I might have to fight my way out of here.”

“Calm down, Ward” Coulson requested with a frown, then ordered, “Sit, we need to talk.”

Just like it had happened before, Ward’s legs wanted to obey the direct order and walk over to the chair that waited for him, but he caught himself before that. No, it was about time to find out what happened if he refused his impulse to obey Coulson’s orders.

“I’ll remain standing,” he replied flatly, crossing his arms.

“Fine, suit yourself,” Coulson answered and Ward thought he heard an undertone of annoyance in his voice, before he turned to Skye, “Please leave us alone, Skye.”

She nodded and turned around, but not before shooting Ward a last beseeching glance. The door fell shut behind her and though there was no click to be heard, he was rather sure it was locked now.

Coulson and Garner walked over to the couch and sat down while Ward remained standing in the middle of the room. His brain had long ago started to calculate his options should he need to make a quick escape from this room. The glass to his right did not look bulletproof, he was rather sure he could throw himself through it if necessary. There was no way to know how high up he was, but he guessed he would survive that fall. However, there was also a rather big chance that the area just outside was under surveillance. Everything else would just be naive. So he probably would not get very far. Still, if they pushed him, he would take his chances.

“I asked Andrew to come to the Playground out of very specific reasons,” Coulson began in a slow and carefully measured voice. “Yesterday, you told me that you suspected that the mind drug would make you compliant to me. We took another blood sample and...”

“Seriously?” Ward interrupted him, voice deadly quiet. “Are you fucking kidding me? I told you that confidentially and I had your word that this would stay among us. Does keeping your word really mean nothing to you? You guys are really unbelievable. You’re a secret organization, for fuck’s sake, you should know how to keep things to yourself! If Hydra agents had gone blabbering out every fucking secret someone told them it would’ve probably never gone farther than the first two people before being found out.”

“Which would’ve been a good thing, right?” Garner butted in innocently enough.

Ward narrowed his eyes at him and bit out through gritted teeth, “Not the point.”

“Are you done?” Coulson asked him with an almost fatherly patience. “Because I got my reasons, the question just is if you want to hear them.”

Ward glared at them for a moment longer, before he finally reined in his temper and gave a short nod. There was no point in throwing a tantrum now, the damage was already done.

“Thank you,” the director said evenly. “As I said, we had your blood tested again, because you suspected lasting after-effects of the serum in your system.” Coulson paused shortly, before he continued, “The testing came back negative. There’s not even a trace of the serum in your body anymore. You’re completely clean.”

Ward stared, while his mind tried to process what he had just heard. It could not be! He had been so very sure about this. How could it be that he felt like a mindless slave as soon as he heard an order from Coulson’s mouth if not as a result of brainwashing? This made no sense, no sense at all.

“I... I don’t understand,” he finally choked out, still staring at Coulson. “Maybe something’s wrong with the method of testing.”

“Simmons talked to Maggie Bates yesterday evening,” the director replied. His eyes were shining in a peculiar way that was hard to describe. Like all of this was really important and that he cared about the outcome. Without warning, Ward felt his throat tighten painfully. “The result of your blood test corresponds with what Bates told us about the ingredients of the serum. Not a trace of which is in your system anymore, Ward.”

Swallowing heavily, Ward replied, “But it can’t be. I _know_ what I experienced. What I experience _now_. It’s not pleasant.”

“This is where I come in,” the psychologist spoke up, fixing Ward with kind eyes. “I can very well understand that this feeling of compliance and obedience is unpleasant for you. However, it’s not a physiological or pharmaceutical issue. It’s a psychological issue.”

Again, Ward could not do much more than stare. Maybe pinching himself would help...? This was one hell of a strange dream.

“Phil gave me your files, both the official material and the information Skye dug up in the last few days,” Garner continued evenly. “As far as I can see, John Garrett submitted you to extensive and long-term psychological indoctrination, which made you heavily dependent on him. It’s also colloquially called ‘brainwashing’, so if someone asks – yes, you’ve been brainwashed. Just not the way you thought you were.”

“It’s not what happened,” Ward denied tonelessly, though it sounded weak even to his own ears. “He was the only one who cared about me.”

“Maybe he did,” Garner conceded, folding his hands together. “People sometimes do terrible things to the ones they care about. But it doesn’t change the fact that he systematically shaped you after his wishes and made you reliant on his orders. It’s why you thought your life was meaningless in the first few weeks and months after his death. Three suicide attempts – that’s pretty drastic.”

Even though the whole thing became more and more surreal to Ward, he did not miss the reproachful look Garner shot Coulson or the way Coulson winced and averted his eyes.

“You would’ve needed help back then,” the psychologist continued, sternness and kindness equally mixed. “Since you didn’t get it, you tried to cope with everything in another way – by repressing every thought about your role of dependency when it comes to Garrett. You tried to tell yourself that you’ve always been on top of each and every decision you made. It’s not true. And I think that the serum brought up not only your memories, but also your old patterns and your deeply ingrained need for guidance. Since Phil here comes closest to Garrett of all the people on the base and he’s the one in charge, you latched onto him.”

“Look,” Ward intervened, trying to get on top of the whole situation again. Even though he was shaking internally at what he heard, he used every trick he knew to appear unflappable. “I see that you’re a very clever guy and that you gave my ‘case’ much thought. Still, I don’t think that’s what happened. Maybe the serum still had influence over me even though it couldn’t be detected in my blood anymore, who knows. Weirder things have happened – for example aliens invading New York. As long as you tell me it’ll pass, I’ll be happy.”

Garner gave him a rather sad smile. “That’s exactly the thing: it won’t pass. Not until we start analyzing and working on what happened to you.”

The silence that followed was heavy. Ward somehow had a hard time to bring his surroundings into focus. Could it be true...? Could he be so messed up that he _craved_ orders? That thought alone was enough to wake an urge to smash that stupid head of his repeatedly against the concrete wall. Maybe this would help him chase away that ridiculous notions.

“Ward,” Coulson began slowly. “I thought long and hard about this and I want to make you an offer. You helped us out for quite a while now. Though you haven’t exactly been a model guest since you’ve been brought to the Playground, I can still see that you mean me and my team no harm. I also see that you regret what you’ve done. This is why I want you to stay and work for your redemption. I’m sure we could work out terms that are agreeable to you.” He paused and let the words sink in, before he continued more sternly, “However, regular sessions with Andrew are mandatory, I can tell you that already. So is wearing a tracker, at least for the next few months. I talked with Simmons about that and even though she spent the better half of an hour to convince me to send you away instead, she finally told me that the best way is to have you wear the tracker as an implant. It would only be a small procedure and it would make sure you wouldn’t be able to get rid of it as easily as you did with the bracelet.”

Ward let the words wash over him, almost too numb to actually comprehend their meaning. What was he even supposed to do? He chose to stay silent, which prompted Coulson to continue.

“It’s a second chance,” the director added meaningfully, trying to catch Ward’s gaze. “To do good, make things right. What do you say?”

Clearing his throat, Ward replied hoarsely, “I don’t know. I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

His answer made Coulson smile slightly. “Sure it’s a good idea, after all, I came up with it, right? Give it a try.”

Ward hesitated. Everything happened too fast, he needed more time to mull this over, he needed...

“Simmons is already waiting for you with the tracker implant,” Coulson suddenly continued, his voice taking on a final quality. “This is important, because I still want to protect the team. I know that you want to protect the team, too, because that’s what you’ve been doing in the last few months whenever you were helping us out. However, you better take Skye with you when you’re going to get the tracker implanted, because Simmons still refuses to be alone with you. It’ll be a hard road, to get back into the good graces of the team.”

And just like that, Ward suddenly knew what he had to do. Like being stopped abruptly by a rope after a long fall, his surroundings all at once stopped turning madly and finally slowed down enough for him to catch up with what was happening around him. All of a sudden, the path lay before him, clear as day.

He took a deep breath and then gave a determined nod. “Okay, let’s do that.”

Coulson gave him a brilliant smile, then got up and walked over to shake his hand.

“Very good. I’m happy you decided to take that chance. I’m sure you do the right thing here,” the director said, then added after a short pause, “It’s best when you let the tracker be implanted right now and we’ll discuss the details later on, alright?”

“Yes, sir,” Ward answered dutifully and then turned to leave.

“I’ll see you around then, Mister Ward,” Garner said to him before he reached the door and when Ward turned around again, he saw a slightly suspicious look on the psychologist’s face.

“Sure, doc,” he replied with a tiny smile and a nod.

A moment later, the door opened and Skye stepped in. Together they left the office and it took only a few seconds before Skye started talking to him.

“I’m very happy you took this chance,” she told him earnestly, shooting him a short glance from under her bangs. “I only realized in the last few days that I was wrong to just hate you, without asking for any reasons that might have explained your actions. Seeing you under the effects of the serum... it made me question things. And when Coulson asked me to dig up information about you, I slowly started to see the whole picture. You deserve a second chance, Ward. I just can’t understand why you kept quiet about what happened to you for such a long time. It might’ve changed... things.”

Ward swallowed heavily, forcing himself to meet her gaze.

“I wished you hadn’t seen me like that,” he replied honestly. “And I tried telling you about my past, remember? Didn’t work out back then. You weren’t ready to listen.” He stopped himself because he realized his tone was turning bitter, which was why he added evenly, “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past now.”

Skye gave him another long look, before she said with a slight undertone of humor, “Oh, you have no idea. Andrew isn’t going to let you off the hook that easily, you know?”

He ground his teeth, but smiled at her anyway.

They had reached the stairs that led down to the lab, when Ward suddenly halted.

“I need to fetch something from my bunk first,” he told her.

Skye raised her eyebrows, then asked him, “Yeah? I didn’t notice you storing much personal stuff in your bunk. Don’t tell me Super Spy wants to stall the procedure because he is afraid of needles.”

“Well, I still need to make a stop at my bunk,” he told her with a small smile. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Okay,” she finally acquiesced, but still gave him a quizzical look.

When they reached his bunk, he opened the door, then motioned for her to step in first.

“After you,” he told her grandly, which earned him a smile.

“Always the gentleman,” Skye commented as she stepped into the room. “If I had known that before...”

The rest was lost, because as soon as she had turned her back to him, Ward lunged for the ICEr she had stuffed into the back of her pants. The look of shock on her face – eyes wide and mouth open for a scream – lasted only for a second, before he pulled the trigger. The round hit her side and a few seconds later, her face and whole body went slack.

He easily caught her as she slumped against him and he carried her over to his bed. Her warm body felt good against his, but he forbid himself to touch her a moment longer than was necessary. Everything else would have been just wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to her as he laid her out on the mattress, arranging the pillow carefully under her head. “You’ll be mightily pissed at me when you wake up. But I can’t do this. Not yet. Not now. Not like this. I’m sorry.”

He brushed a fleeting kiss onto her forehead, then he turned around, stuffed the ICEr into the back of his pants and left the room.

It was not like he had spent his time on the Playground completely idle. He knew that there were only two exits he could take to leave the building and he knew he had to use the one that was lesser frequented than the main entrance in the hangar. Luckily enough, he encountered no one in the hallway and he was able to make his way swiftly to the door at the end of a long and deserted corridor. Without hesitation, he reached for the handle only to find the door locked.

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself and only then noticed the small and unobtrusive keypad to the left of the door. He would need a code to get out. Damn it. He had reckoned to need a code to get inside, but he had not thought about the possibility to need one to get out.

His luck seemed to have run out, because he heard soft footsteps in the corridor behind him. With a sigh of resignation, he turned around. Only to come face to face with Kara.

“It’s 5283,” she told him quietly and without a greeting. “The code for opening the door.”

Ward raised an eyebrow at that. For one moment, he was tempted to just enter the numbers and be gone from here without another word, but then he decided against it.

“Why telling me that?” he asked her, cocking his head slightly to the side.

“A peace offering?” she replied and gave him a sad smile. “A service of a good friend? Giving you a choice even though you never gave me one when you left me here? Take your pick.”

He winced slightly at that. “I always did what I thought was best for you, Kara.”

“Yeah, so did I,” she answered quietly. “I’m sad to see that your way to a better life is obviously not my way to a better life or you wouldn’t be sneaking out of here like a thief in the night.”

“I can’t stay,” Ward tried to explain. “It’s all a bit too much. Coulson offered me to work for him again. He also wants a shrink to pick my brain. I can’t do that right now, Kara.”

“Why not?” Kara asked, studying him with sad eyes.

He heaved a sigh, then tried to explain, “If I stay here, it’ll be exactly the way it was with Garrett. The serum tore me down and now Coulson is ready to build me up again, the way he wants me to be. He wants to tag me, Kara, so he’ll be able to trace my every step. And you know what? Something in me rejoices at the idea to have someone around who tells me what to do, where to go, when to kill people, when to spare lives. It’d be Garrett all over again. I can’t let that happen. I need to sort things out first and I better do this far away from Coulson and the team. After that, maybe I can think about joining forces with them again. But not now. I feel too... vulnerable right now. There’s no trust left, on either side.”

And there was this feeling in his chest that told him to get away from here, to run. He was not ready to be met with scorn whenever he passed a member of his old team on the hallway. Yeah, Skye had started to warm up to him again. But what about Fitz? May? And Simmons? Maybe he was a coward, running away from his problems. Maybe he was just human and the notion of so many people hating him made it impossible for him to stay.

“ _I_ trust you, Grant” Kara replied evenly. “With my life.”

Ward heaved a small sigh, then reached out a hand to touch her shoulder. “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

“So this is it?” she prompted, lips trembling slightly until she bit down on them. “Our goodbye?”

“Not forever,” he answered, evenly meeting her eyes. “Just for now. You still got my number, the one I gave you in secret. I’ll be there for you, if you need me.” He hesitated, then finally added slowly, “I won’t be responding to any of S.H.I.E.L.D. calls in the near future. But if there’s a real emergency and one of Coulson’s people is in danger, let me know, alright?”

“Okay,” she whispered, then moved in to hug him. Ward held her tightly and pressed a kiss onto the top of her hair.

“Go,” she finally told him and started to disentangle herself from his arms. “I’ll keep watch for a few minutes, to make sure you get a head start.”

“Thank you, Kara,” he replied, then started to type in the code she had given him earlier on. The door swung open.

Without looking back, he left the Playground and S.H.I.E.L.D. behind him.

 

-The End-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Happy with how the story ended? Unhappy? I’d love to hear your opinion.


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